Merry Christmas! Happy New Year! I pray that your Christmas was as peaceful and blessed as mine. It truly was a joyful time with family. I am blessed to be in a better place this year than last. Amazing to know the difference one decision can make! I can honestly say, that I have used this break as a break and have only gone into school once (to let a close friend and colleague in to her room to feed the turtles). I have thoroughly enjoyed the time with family; I have done lots of baking, and spent time devouring books (three so far), reading and in prayer. The last two days I had a stomach bug, thankfully it has passed and I am feeling like me again.
While reading a few months ago, I came across a letter written by Crystalina Evert (www.womenmadenew.com). In this letter, Crystalina writes of common, deep seated insecurities many women face each day. This letter struck a chord with me, as I wrestle with many of the insecurities and fears she presents. She writes,
**"Why do you always seek man’s approval? You’re always wondering: “Do I look pretty enough? Do I sound smart enough?” With a shadow of insecurity hovering above you, you’re always trying to keep others interested. Meanwhile, you give yourself away while ignoring your gut. Don’t be controlled by the amount of attention and approval you receive, and stop being ashamed of yourself. Your worth can’t come from who you’re with, what you wear, or what others think of you.
Are you scared to admit your own self-worth? Do you keep your true beauty, gifts, and talents so locked away and hidden from the world that you can’t truly see how amazing you are? Are you afraid of shining so bright that the light will scare others away..."
I admire Crystalina's bravery, she takes on something that I shy away from even thinking about, the fact that I was created by God to be a beautiful, shining light. An example, a beacon to others.
"You are the light of the world. A city set on a mountain cannot be hidden. Nor do they light a lamp and then put it under a bushel basket; it is set on a lampstand, where it gives light to all in the house. Just so, your light must shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your heavenly Father." (Matthew 5, 14-16 NABRE)
I know that I am guilty of hiding my light, at times I am afraid of the light that God has given me, afraid of the call He has issued to me to spread His love, to be an example of faith and of what He can do. I ask, "Why me?" I tell Him, "Ask someone else, for I am broken, I am afraid," "There are better women than I, Lord," "Wait until I am healed, Jesus, then I will use my light." Over and over, Jesus speaks to my heart, "You are the light of the world. You are the light of the world." (Matthew 5, 14 NABRE)
In her letter, Crystalina goes on to tell us of the help Christ offers each one of us, she reminds us that Jesus can help to erase these fears, if we only reach for him. Her words speak to my scared, broken self in the moments when I most want to hide my light:
**" Do not shy from who you are because you fear abandonment or the negative opinions of others. You take scraps from the world, but I have given you everything you need, deep within you. Everyone’s light is different and some brighter than others. But do not be scared of your own light, for it was put in you so that others who are blinded by their own darkness could see your light.
Why are you scared and sad? Why do you belittle yourself and dim your own light? Your light was made to shine—that is its purpose. Your self-worth is within you and has been given to you for a purpose. Your beauty—God’s beauty—was given for a great reason as well. The darkness has tried to extinguish this beauty within, but it cannot. It will not be put out.
At times, you allow your insecurities to overpower you, and your thoughts run wild. But with Jesus’ love you can control any vice, wickedness, or evil weapon that comes against you. It’s time to rise up, unafraid of who you are. Embrace it. Do not lower yourself or hide, because the power of my love and grace will always be there to catch you and show you the way. I will catch you, but will you let me?"
There was a time, not so long ago, when I felt the presence of Christ leave me. I was alone, in a complete and total darkness. It terrified me. I had, up until that point, been a person that was blessed in the way that I felt Christ's presence daily. He had always been with me. I physically felt His presence every single day. He smells like roses and rain, by the way. There came a moment, when I realized I couldn't feel Him anymore. I needed Him terribly and He was gone. I didn't understand. It broke my heart and terrified me to my core. I didn't realize that He hadn't left me, He was being blocked from me. My abusive boyfriend had severed my connection with Christ. Not only was he isolating me from my loved ones, he was cutting me off from The One I relied on the most.
That was December of 2013. Reclaiming my closeness with Christ has been the hardest part of my recovery from abuse. I know in my heart, that I have been forgiven of all my transgressions and sins. I know that He never really left me, that I had just been blinded to Him for a while. Still, there are many times when I find myself in darkness and the fear creeps back in, intense and looming as ever. In these moments, I remind myself of Mother Teresa's words in, "Mother Teresa: Come Be My Light, “If I ever become a Saint—I will surely be one of ‘darkness.’ I will continually be absent from Heaven—to light the light of those in darkness on earth.” It comforts me to know that a person as holy and close to Jesus as Mother Teresa, experienced a darkness similar to the one I have been experiencing. St. John of the Cross also experienced this darkness and termed it, "a darkness of the soul." St. Therese of Lisieux is said to have experienced this as well.
Even with the comfort of the knowledge that I am not alone in this darkness, it is still terrifying. I find that when it creeps in, I cling to the word of God, and to the comfort of the Holy Mother. I pray the rosary unceasingly in my head and repeat Isaiah 41:10, " Do not fear: I am with you; do not be anxious: I am your God..." until the words swim before my eyes and my racing heart slows. Sometimes this is not enough and I have found that these words from Crystalina's letter bring a peace that I long to keep. It is with these words, I will close this post and I hope that they will resonate with you as they have with me.
Keep your light shining, friends. In spite of the doubt and the fear, use the light God gave you. Minister to others, offer love, hope and grace to everyone you meet. Through your fear, in the middle of the darkness, hold on to your faith in Jesus. He is there. Even when one cannot feel Him.
**"Deep down you know who you are and what you are supposed to do. Stop lowering yourself to the world and start rising to heaven. Even though it might seem so far away, it truly is all around you. Heaven is watching, praying, and cheering you on. You have a whole army of angels and saints wanting you to succeed in your battle. But the biggest battle of all will be with yourself. Know who you are and what you are not. You are a beloved daughter of Jesus, He who is God."
84,000 Prayers Your Way,
~Teresa
**come from a letter written to women by Crystalina Evert. Found on www.womenmadenew.com
Faith is a journey...This is mine
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
Tuesday, December 2, 2014
A Season of Waiting
Hello! There are officially 13 school days until Christmas break. Excited, is an understatement. It has been a long couple of weeks. My students have been quite rowdy and unruly. Hopefully, I will be able to get some good work out of them between now and Christmas break. I am so looking forward to Christmas, it truly is my favorite time of year. I love the weeks spent in waiting before Christmas. Advent is such a beautiful, peaceful time the opportunity to focus on the coming of Jesus is such a blessing. The reminder to slow down amidst all of the bustle and hurrying about and focus on Christ and His salvation for sinners is truly moving and awe inspiring. "The heavens declare the glory of God; and the heavens show His handiwork." (Psalms 19:1) Oh how true and beautiful this verse is! I pray that in this time of waiting for Our Blessed Lord, you take some time to marvel at the glory and beauty of God's creation. Take a moment or two to really just quietly sit with the Lord and thank Him for coming into the world, thank Him for his salvation of sinners. I will write again soon! Prayers to you and yours!
~Teresa
~Teresa
Monday, November 17, 2014
A Whirlwind Finish
Friday the 14th marked the final day of my first trimester of teaching. As of 3pm yesterday afternoon, all of my grades for the trimester and been entered into my electronic grade book. Ten minutes before beginning this post, all of my grades were turned in to my boss. I am sure that means that progress reports will be going out to parents this week. I am going to spend the rest of the day pulling data on kids' grades, cleaning up and organizing my classroom, going through papers and of course setting up for the rest of the week. Hopefully the day passes quickly.
I spent Saturday wedding dress shopping for my cousin Aly. She tried on so many beautiful dresses and the one she picked is indescribably perfect for her. Our grandmother (a master seamstress and dressmaker) came along as did her other grandmother, her fabulous mom, our friend from high school, an aunt of Aly's, a friend from college, and Aly's sister in law. We skyped in Emily so that she could be involved even though she is all the way in warm and sunny Arizona. It was so much fun! After she said yes to the dress, we went out for lunch and then went home to enjoy an afternoon of reality T.V. and girl talk. The wedding is in September and I think it is safe to say everyone is looking forward to it. That night, Aly's brother Tom, drove Aly, Katie (our friend from high school), Tynan (Aly's friend from college) and me to a local bar where we had even more girl/wedding talk! It was such a busy, eventful, exhausting day and countless memories were made and laughs shared.
Sunday, well Sunday I spent grading. My students did okay for the end of the first trimester. I wish I had gotten more final papers, but oh well. I did my end of the work and sometimes that is the only thing I can do. It has been cold and snowy here and so I spent all of Sunday cuddled up with Lifetime movies playing as I graded. It was a nice day.
I have started the second week of Love God Greatly's Gratitude Bible study and I cannot express how poignant it is to my walk with Christ. The focus on thankfulness and gratitude to Christ amidst the struggles and trials of everyday life is something that has really made me reflect on and consider my perspective in the moments that irritate, frustrate and complicate my life. I have been made to stand back and really look at how these moments affect my life in the big picture and to really pay attention to what/where I am placing my values and priorities. It is difficult to praise God and thank Him in these moments sometimes but I am learning that I am closer to Christ if I thank Him in all moments, whatever kind they may be.
A verse that has captured my heart the last few days comes from Philippians 4:7, "And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." I think that so often we forget (I know I do) that if we just let Him, Christ will give our hearts and minds His peace and that His peace will ease our anxieties, stresses and worries. This is something that we must remember and consciously, consistently (if you are like me daily) allow Christ to do. If we do, we can be more balanced, compassionate, grateful, and loving to not Christ, but to those around us. Today, my friends, I pray Christ gives you peace for all your moments. I also pray that in return you give Him gratitude.
To close, the picture below is from Saturday night, a good time was had by all!
Me Aly Tyan Katie
In Christ,
Teresa
I spent Saturday wedding dress shopping for my cousin Aly. She tried on so many beautiful dresses and the one she picked is indescribably perfect for her. Our grandmother (a master seamstress and dressmaker) came along as did her other grandmother, her fabulous mom, our friend from high school, an aunt of Aly's, a friend from college, and Aly's sister in law. We skyped in Emily so that she could be involved even though she is all the way in warm and sunny Arizona. It was so much fun! After she said yes to the dress, we went out for lunch and then went home to enjoy an afternoon of reality T.V. and girl talk. The wedding is in September and I think it is safe to say everyone is looking forward to it. That night, Aly's brother Tom, drove Aly, Katie (our friend from high school), Tynan (Aly's friend from college) and me to a local bar where we had even more girl/wedding talk! It was such a busy, eventful, exhausting day and countless memories were made and laughs shared.
Sunday, well Sunday I spent grading. My students did okay for the end of the first trimester. I wish I had gotten more final papers, but oh well. I did my end of the work and sometimes that is the only thing I can do. It has been cold and snowy here and so I spent all of Sunday cuddled up with Lifetime movies playing as I graded. It was a nice day.
I have started the second week of Love God Greatly's Gratitude Bible study and I cannot express how poignant it is to my walk with Christ. The focus on thankfulness and gratitude to Christ amidst the struggles and trials of everyday life is something that has really made me reflect on and consider my perspective in the moments that irritate, frustrate and complicate my life. I have been made to stand back and really look at how these moments affect my life in the big picture and to really pay attention to what/where I am placing my values and priorities. It is difficult to praise God and thank Him in these moments sometimes but I am learning that I am closer to Christ if I thank Him in all moments, whatever kind they may be.
A verse that has captured my heart the last few days comes from Philippians 4:7, "And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." I think that so often we forget (I know I do) that if we just let Him, Christ will give our hearts and minds His peace and that His peace will ease our anxieties, stresses and worries. This is something that we must remember and consciously, consistently (if you are like me daily) allow Christ to do. If we do, we can be more balanced, compassionate, grateful, and loving to not Christ, but to those around us. Today, my friends, I pray Christ gives you peace for all your moments. I also pray that in return you give Him gratitude.
To close, the picture below is from Saturday night, a good time was had by all!
In Christ,
Teresa
Sunday, November 2, 2014
Giving Thanks, Focusing on Blessings and Loving Life
October turned out to be a very busy, lively, vibrant month. Tons of family time, football, and fun with my friends (think indoor pool time with your best friend chasing her adorable one year old!). I finished my Esther bible study with Love God Greatly, and on November 10th I will doing another bible study with Love God Greatly, this time focusing on gratitude! If you are interested, click the link above and read all about it. I would love to have you join me in deepening my relationship with Jesus and walking closer with Him each day. It will be a joy filled, reflective, thanks focused study and I am eager to start this study!
November is the finish of my first trimester of teaching, the start of my second trimester of teaching, wedding dress shopping with my cousin Aly, Thanksgiving, and lots of family time! I am really looking forward to it.
I am a little nervous as well. Last Thanksgiving was an exhausting, stressful, emotional, draining time. My ex had open heart surgery on November 21, 2013. I was essentially primary care for him through his recovery in the hospital and then when he got home as well. By Thanksgiving day, I was absolutely drained. There was a ton of drama that took place on Thanksgiving day and by 11 that night, I drove home crying and just wanting to sleep for days. Now, I am completely different person. I have found my courage, my joy, and my strength. I am still nervous about how I will handle the week of the 21st. I am hoping that school will keep me very busy. I will be praying my way through that whole week. If you could pray for me, I would greatly appreciate it. My focus will be on my blessings and on all the people in my life that love, support and make me happy.
Focus on your blessings, friends! Love is so wonderful and Jesus gives us all so much to be thankful for!
84,000 Prayers,
Teresa
P.S. My favorite devotional verse from this week was Psalm 68:35, "O God, You are awesome from Your sanctuary. The God of Israel Himself gives strength and power to the people. Blessed be God!"
November is the finish of my first trimester of teaching, the start of my second trimester of teaching, wedding dress shopping with my cousin Aly, Thanksgiving, and lots of family time! I am really looking forward to it.
I am a little nervous as well. Last Thanksgiving was an exhausting, stressful, emotional, draining time. My ex had open heart surgery on November 21, 2013. I was essentially primary care for him through his recovery in the hospital and then when he got home as well. By Thanksgiving day, I was absolutely drained. There was a ton of drama that took place on Thanksgiving day and by 11 that night, I drove home crying and just wanting to sleep for days. Now, I am completely different person. I have found my courage, my joy, and my strength. I am still nervous about how I will handle the week of the 21st. I am hoping that school will keep me very busy. I will be praying my way through that whole week. If you could pray for me, I would greatly appreciate it. My focus will be on my blessings and on all the people in my life that love, support and make me happy.
Focus on your blessings, friends! Love is so wonderful and Jesus gives us all so much to be thankful for!
84,000 Prayers,
Teresa
P.S. My favorite devotional verse from this week was Psalm 68:35, "O God, You are awesome from Your sanctuary. The God of Israel Himself gives strength and power to the people. Blessed be God!"
Sunday, October 5, 2014
Help from the Mountains
Hi. The last week at work has been so busy with conferences, starting literature discussion groups with my students, a technology conference on Friday, cleaning, errands, groceries, dinner to make and work to do on Saturday, and that brings me to today, Sunday. I started the day with early Mass, a few errands, home to finish up some chores and now, a long overdo blog post. Life is so full, so busy, so down right overwhelming sometimes that I have to force myself to take a step back and just take in everything that is happening in my life. I have a full time job (that was 2 years in the making) that I love, I have a reliable car (that is still in need of name), I have amazing family and friends that I am close with and get to see often, I live in a state that is gorgeous in the Fall, and I am blessed enough to walk with Jesus daily; I am blessed in countless other ways that would take a lifetime to put here. This past week especially, I have focused on the stresses in my life rather than the blessings. Finally, Thursday night, I hit a brick wall of exhaustion, frustration, and just plain overwhelmed. As exhausted as I was, I opened my devotional for my nightly prayer time. The verse for the night was this:
"I will lift up my eyes to the mountains;
From where will my help come?
My help comes from the Lord,
Who made heaven and earth."~Psalm 121:1-2
You had best believe I vice gripped this verse for the rest of the that night and all of Friday. It really did get me through the mountains of stress that were all around me. I still have tons to do for this week, and I am feeling some stress, but I know that it will all come together and work out just fine. Sometimes, the best thing I can do is just hope and pray.
Today has been a beautiful Sunday and while I am now working on putting testing binders together to use at school this week, it has been an ideal Fall day. I even broke out a fall scented candle. My sister is home from working in Tulsa, my grandmother is coming over for dinner, my dog is being adorable, everything is as it should be. My prayer for you is that this week when stress arises, look to Jesus. Remember that He does all things for your good. Take a deep breath, smile, and meet your challenges with the King of Kings by your side. Blessings to you and yours!
84,000 Prayers,
Teresa
"I will lift up my eyes to the mountains;
From where will my help come?
My help comes from the Lord,
Who made heaven and earth."~Psalm 121:1-2
You had best believe I vice gripped this verse for the rest of the that night and all of Friday. It really did get me through the mountains of stress that were all around me. I still have tons to do for this week, and I am feeling some stress, but I know that it will all come together and work out just fine. Sometimes, the best thing I can do is just hope and pray.
Today has been a beautiful Sunday and while I am now working on putting testing binders together to use at school this week, it has been an ideal Fall day. I even broke out a fall scented candle. My sister is home from working in Tulsa, my grandmother is coming over for dinner, my dog is being adorable, everything is as it should be. My prayer for you is that this week when stress arises, look to Jesus. Remember that He does all things for your good. Take a deep breath, smile, and meet your challenges with the King of Kings by your side. Blessings to you and yours!
84,000 Prayers,
Teresa
Sunday, September 21, 2014
Long time...No posts: Anxiety, Blessings, Busy Days!
Well, it has been a few a weeks since my last update, sorry about that. The time has flown by. I have had so many things to do and so much to catch up on. While the past few weeks have been jam-packed with things, they have also been filled with tons of blessings. My best friend Ashley and her husband celebrated both the baptism and 1st Birthday of their precious baby boy! Both were joyous, lovely celebrations and I was honored to be a part of them. My sister (okay, cousin) Aly, got engaged a week ago today and is planning her wedding! I am so excited for her and I cannot wait to help her put it together! Work has been busier than I can even explain. I love my job so much, but I would be lying if I said that I am not constantly overwhelmed. There have been several days over the last week that I have gone to my supports almost in tears or in tears over the things I am trying that aren't working or the things I feel like I just cannot accomplish. A colleague told me that each morning she tells herself, "I choose peace today" I have tried it this past week and I can say that it does make a difference for me. I still get overwhelmed, stressed, and frustrated, but by consciously choosing peace each day, I remain a much calmer person. My anxiety still gets really bad, in countless situations, but I have several ways to keep it in check (most of the time). I have come to accept over the last couple of months that to an extent, having anxiety problems is now just part of who I am. It is not a bad thing, I know several people very close to me with similar anxiety issues. I am learning that anxiety is all about how you deal with it. Anxiety doesn't stop you from living, you just learn to work with it, not against it. I am not perfect at it yet, but I am working on it every day. Counting my blessings is a huge help when I am in the thick of anxiety (have to thank my best friend, Ashley, for that tip) it really helps me to see the world outside of whatever is causing my anxiety in that moment. It also helps me to tell people, "My anxiety is really bad right now." Sometimes, just telling someone helps so much. I get embarrassed that I have anxiety, but I know it is not my fault. I went through something horrible, something that no one should ever have to experience and anxiety is just something that will stay with me. I got out of the relationship, I am happy, safe and I have rediscovered my joy. Anxiety is the toughest part of my new normal but, it is a very small cross to bear in comparison with the relationship and abuse I endured for far too long.
I am working A LOT, in all honesty, probably too much; but I am getting out and having fun with my friends (both coworkers and non coworkers) and life is so joyful! I am trying to remember to stop and look around once in awhile so that I don't miss all of the beautiful and amazing things taking place in my life. It is incredible to think that my world has completely changed for the better in just six, short months. I am so grateful to so many people for helping me throughout the last several months. You all know who you are and believe me when I say, I am here standing blessed, joyful, safe and happy because of your support, advice, hugs, coffee, chocolate, notes of encouragement, and most importantly prayers and love. Thank you for sticking with me! This Fall brings tons of work, Friday night football (my Daddy is a varsity football coach!), lots of coffee, more yoga (that is my goal, anyway) and most exciting in all this: helping my sister (okay, she is really my cousin) Aly, plan her wedding! It is only going to get busier and I am sure there will be lots of challenges but, I choose peace every day and I am ready! Blessings to you all!!
84,000 Prayers Your Way,
Teresa
P.S. My scripture focus this week has been Psalm 46:10 "Cease striving and know that I am God." To me, this is an instant reminder to let go of those many things I do not and cannot control. God will take care of those things I cannot. Choose peace, today and every day. He is God.
I am working A LOT, in all honesty, probably too much; but I am getting out and having fun with my friends (both coworkers and non coworkers) and life is so joyful! I am trying to remember to stop and look around once in awhile so that I don't miss all of the beautiful and amazing things taking place in my life. It is incredible to think that my world has completely changed for the better in just six, short months. I am so grateful to so many people for helping me throughout the last several months. You all know who you are and believe me when I say, I am here standing blessed, joyful, safe and happy because of your support, advice, hugs, coffee, chocolate, notes of encouragement, and most importantly prayers and love. Thank you for sticking with me! This Fall brings tons of work, Friday night football (my Daddy is a varsity football coach!), lots of coffee, more yoga (that is my goal, anyway) and most exciting in all this: helping my sister (okay, she is really my cousin) Aly, plan her wedding! It is only going to get busier and I am sure there will be lots of challenges but, I choose peace every day and I am ready! Blessings to you all!!
84,000 Prayers Your Way,
Teresa
P.S. My scripture focus this week has been Psalm 46:10 "Cease striving and know that I am God." To me, this is an instant reminder to let go of those many things I do not and cannot control. God will take care of those things I cannot. Choose peace, today and every day. He is God.
Monday, September 1, 2014
Adventures in Car Shopping, Blunders in Teaching and Reflections on Life
Hello!
My first full week of school flew by but it was jam packed with lesson planning, meetings, grading, getting to know my students better, rainy Iowa days, the first of what I am certain will be many blunders in front of my students, professional reading, burned spaghetti sauce (they ate it anyway) and car shopping. It was also a week full of reflections on my life and the world around me.
On Friday, I used Google Classroom to push an assignment to my students. This was the first time I had used this technology and the night before, another teacher and I had created the assignment together and set up the whole thing for students to use. Well, what I didn't realize until a student let me know, was that I had accidentally copied and pasted the Google Chat conversation my colleague and I were having into the document we had created the assignment on. OOPS! It was nothing more than two Language Arts teachers geeking out over new technology, but it was still embarrassing. I quickly deleted the assignment and let my colleague know to do the same. I am sure that this will not be the last time I do something this dumb, but I sure felt silly.
On Saturday, I bought a new car! It is a 2014 Buick Encore, and it so cute! There is a picture of it at the end of the post. I am also coming up with a name for it, so if you have a suggestion, let me know!
My job, buying a car, and my day to day life have had me reflecting this week on how much things have changed. I have not spoken of this here before, but it is a part of why I began blogging again and so I feel it is important to acknowledge.
On March 18, 2014, I left a relationship I had been in for just over a year. It had become emotionally, verbally and psychologically abusive. With the support of family, friends, a counselor and my parish priest, I found the courage to end the relationship. Then the real work began. I had to heal, I had to take myself and my life back. I had become a person who did not trust her own thoughts, opinions, or choices. I was anxious all the time, constantly waiting to be yelled at, constantly afraid of making the people around me angry. I worried all the time, about everything. It is so sad how quickly one person can take control of your emotions, get inside your head and influence everything you do. It is sad, but it is not my fault (it is never the fault of the victim). My Ex saw in me someone who was sweet, kind, compassionate and loving and he took advantage of that. He played my emotions and kindness against me, he used my sweetness as a way to control and isolate me from family and friends.
The aftermath of that relationship left me in shambles, so to speak. I found myself always waiting for my family and friends to be mad at me for little things (like being 5 minutes late to a pampered chef party, Ashley wasn't mad, of course). I also lived in fear of my Ex confronting me. I knew that he was angry and I was terrified that if I saw him out in public and I was alone that he would confront me and scream and yell at me. While he never hit me or pushed me around, he did a lot of towering over me and screaming until I cried. I wouldn't go anywhere by myself. I was a mess after rescuing myself from this situation. Thank goodness for my counselor.
I started seeing a counselor the day before I left him. My daddy, being a police officer, helped me find a counselor that I would be comfortable talking to. My daddy and mama went with me when I ended the relationship and my daddy being the wonderful man he is, held my hand the whole time (he didn't even mind that was cutting off the circulation to his hand, I was squeezing so hard). I have continued counseling and have learned a lot. I am in a much better place now than I was in March and it is because of my awesome counselor and her willingness to help me work through everything that happened to me.
My best friend, Ashley, has been an absolute angel through this entire ordeal. She has listened to me, comforted me, prayed with and for me, and reminded me each day (sometimes multiple times a day) that I deserve kindness, love, compassion and sweetness. She is a tremendous blessing and I thank God that she is in my life. My parents, my brother and sister (my sister drove an hour home the night I left him, and let me go back to her school with her for a week so I could get some space and not be alone the first few days after) took care of me and helped me be positive, my cousin Aly (called every day the first month I was out of the relationship to remind me that I am loved and beautiful and not to let him take that from me), my cousins Shelbi and Alicia (who would come and get me randomly for sushi or Italian when they thought I was spending too much time alone), and countless others prayed, helped me trust myself again, told me they loved me, hugged me, and cried with and for me. Most of all, these people (and so many others) rejoiced with me as I found myself and my joy again.
I decided to start this blog so that I would be able to chronicle my first year of teaching, but more importantly, I am using this as a tool to help me see how much I have changed my life. My life now, is so much different than it was a year ago at this time, and I cannot tell you how good a of thing that is. I still struggle, I have lots of anxiety and I have days that are rough, overall, I am a happier, more peaceful person than I was last year at this time. So many things have changed and I am so thankful for all of it. I am happier than I ever was with my Ex. Do I want a relationship? Of course, but I want the right relationship, I want the man that will treat me the way I deserve to be treated and will take care of me with as much love and sweetness as I will take care of him with. With that said, the relationship thing is in God's hands. He will take care of it.
As I was walking through this trial, there was a verse that quieted my heart and mind and helped me to focus on brighter days ahead. Isaiah 41:10 says, "Do not fear, I am with you; do not be anxious, I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my victorious right hand."
The most important thing that I have learned through this is to treat myself gently. My Ex was mean and negative, always pointing out what was "wrong" with me. I have learned that real love is not like that. Jesus is real love. He is gentle, sweet, caring and kind. I treat myself gently now. It takes work, and a lot concentration to turn negative thoughts, worries and fears into positives and I am still learning to make it a habit, but I remind myself daily to be gentle in all things, to all people. Speak gently, Love immensely, Live vibrantly . This is my motto now.
Change brings fear of the unknown, surprises, and challenges. I am thankful for change. So thankful. May Jesus bless you as richly as He has me.
With the Joy of Jesus' Love,
Teresa
My first full week of school flew by but it was jam packed with lesson planning, meetings, grading, getting to know my students better, rainy Iowa days, the first of what I am certain will be many blunders in front of my students, professional reading, burned spaghetti sauce (they ate it anyway) and car shopping. It was also a week full of reflections on my life and the world around me.
On Friday, I used Google Classroom to push an assignment to my students. This was the first time I had used this technology and the night before, another teacher and I had created the assignment together and set up the whole thing for students to use. Well, what I didn't realize until a student let me know, was that I had accidentally copied and pasted the Google Chat conversation my colleague and I were having into the document we had created the assignment on. OOPS! It was nothing more than two Language Arts teachers geeking out over new technology, but it was still embarrassing. I quickly deleted the assignment and let my colleague know to do the same. I am sure that this will not be the last time I do something this dumb, but I sure felt silly.
On Saturday, I bought a new car! It is a 2014 Buick Encore, and it so cute! There is a picture of it at the end of the post. I am also coming up with a name for it, so if you have a suggestion, let me know!
My job, buying a car, and my day to day life have had me reflecting this week on how much things have changed. I have not spoken of this here before, but it is a part of why I began blogging again and so I feel it is important to acknowledge.
On March 18, 2014, I left a relationship I had been in for just over a year. It had become emotionally, verbally and psychologically abusive. With the support of family, friends, a counselor and my parish priest, I found the courage to end the relationship. Then the real work began. I had to heal, I had to take myself and my life back. I had become a person who did not trust her own thoughts, opinions, or choices. I was anxious all the time, constantly waiting to be yelled at, constantly afraid of making the people around me angry. I worried all the time, about everything. It is so sad how quickly one person can take control of your emotions, get inside your head and influence everything you do. It is sad, but it is not my fault (it is never the fault of the victim). My Ex saw in me someone who was sweet, kind, compassionate and loving and he took advantage of that. He played my emotions and kindness against me, he used my sweetness as a way to control and isolate me from family and friends.
The aftermath of that relationship left me in shambles, so to speak. I found myself always waiting for my family and friends to be mad at me for little things (like being 5 minutes late to a pampered chef party, Ashley wasn't mad, of course). I also lived in fear of my Ex confronting me. I knew that he was angry and I was terrified that if I saw him out in public and I was alone that he would confront me and scream and yell at me. While he never hit me or pushed me around, he did a lot of towering over me and screaming until I cried. I wouldn't go anywhere by myself. I was a mess after rescuing myself from this situation. Thank goodness for my counselor.
I started seeing a counselor the day before I left him. My daddy, being a police officer, helped me find a counselor that I would be comfortable talking to. My daddy and mama went with me when I ended the relationship and my daddy being the wonderful man he is, held my hand the whole time (he didn't even mind that was cutting off the circulation to his hand, I was squeezing so hard). I have continued counseling and have learned a lot. I am in a much better place now than I was in March and it is because of my awesome counselor and her willingness to help me work through everything that happened to me.
My best friend, Ashley, has been an absolute angel through this entire ordeal. She has listened to me, comforted me, prayed with and for me, and reminded me each day (sometimes multiple times a day) that I deserve kindness, love, compassion and sweetness. She is a tremendous blessing and I thank God that she is in my life. My parents, my brother and sister (my sister drove an hour home the night I left him, and let me go back to her school with her for a week so I could get some space and not be alone the first few days after) took care of me and helped me be positive, my cousin Aly (called every day the first month I was out of the relationship to remind me that I am loved and beautiful and not to let him take that from me), my cousins Shelbi and Alicia (who would come and get me randomly for sushi or Italian when they thought I was spending too much time alone), and countless others prayed, helped me trust myself again, told me they loved me, hugged me, and cried with and for me. Most of all, these people (and so many others) rejoiced with me as I found myself and my joy again.
I decided to start this blog so that I would be able to chronicle my first year of teaching, but more importantly, I am using this as a tool to help me see how much I have changed my life. My life now, is so much different than it was a year ago at this time, and I cannot tell you how good a of thing that is. I still struggle, I have lots of anxiety and I have days that are rough, overall, I am a happier, more peaceful person than I was last year at this time. So many things have changed and I am so thankful for all of it. I am happier than I ever was with my Ex. Do I want a relationship? Of course, but I want the right relationship, I want the man that will treat me the way I deserve to be treated and will take care of me with as much love and sweetness as I will take care of him with. With that said, the relationship thing is in God's hands. He will take care of it.
As I was walking through this trial, there was a verse that quieted my heart and mind and helped me to focus on brighter days ahead. Isaiah 41:10 says, "Do not fear, I am with you; do not be anxious, I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my victorious right hand."
The most important thing that I have learned through this is to treat myself gently. My Ex was mean and negative, always pointing out what was "wrong" with me. I have learned that real love is not like that. Jesus is real love. He is gentle, sweet, caring and kind. I treat myself gently now. It takes work, and a lot concentration to turn negative thoughts, worries and fears into positives and I am still learning to make it a habit, but I remind myself daily to be gentle in all things, to all people. Speak gently, Love immensely, Live vibrantly . This is my motto now.
Change brings fear of the unknown, surprises, and challenges. I am thankful for change. So thankful. May Jesus bless you as richly as He has me.
With the Joy of Jesus' Love,
Teresa
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)