An Unexpected Post

This is a hard post to write. Bear with me. 

We'll start with the good stuff. We are seven months from the happiest day of Landon and I's lives. Our wedding day. We are so excited to be united as husband and wife and to live out our call to marriage. We are so looking forward to bringing Christ glory in the life and family we are going to build together.

Wedding planning is in full swing. Bridesmaids dresses, venues, reception decorations, my dress, reception entertainment, caterer, reception menu, photographer, videographer, and invitations are all decided and ready to go. My mama and aunt (along with my Maid and Matron of Honor) will be shopping with me for flowers over the next few weeks. We will be doing the ordering flower girl and ring bearer outfits in May.

Landon received a promotion in the fall and it has been such a blessing during this season of planning our married life. He works very hard, my Landon, and I am proud of him for furthering his career and providing for our soon to be family. We are enjoying time together and with our families and friends.  Most of our evenings are spent at my apartment, reading, watching The Paradise on Netflix and laughing over the antics of Lucy, the cat. Landon and I are enjoying life, to say the least. 

Christmas was busy, joyful, and blessed. We saw a lot of family, had way too much wonderful food and relished in several days of uninterrupted time together. 

Landon leaves on Tuesday (ice storm permitting, of course), for Denver and a work training for his promotion. He will be gone a month. Thank goodness for Skype, email, and texting! We could both use your prayers as this separation is going to be very difficult on both of us. 

Teaching is going well for me. Very busy and always something new to handle but, I love it. I work with some wonderful students and a terrific team of teachers. January and February are long months in the lives of teachers. I would appreciate your prayers!

Now to the more difficult things. Lord, give me the words.

In July, I switched OBGYN's. I wanted a doctor that was Catholic and would understand and accept Landon and I's stance on life and family planning. Through the Facebook posts of a friend (Hi Julie!), and conversations with another dear friend (Hi Michel!) I decided to go to The Pope Paul VI Institute in Omaha. I made an appointment with Dr. Catherine Keefe, MD. I have to say, she is the best. Absolutely wonderful. The entire staff, doctors, and nurses alike are fantastic. 

Anyway, Dr. Keefe had me sign Landon and I up for a Creighton Model FertilityCare Charting class. We started charting my cycles in August. Our FertilityCare Practioner is amazing and we have really benefitted from her support and knowledge. Before I go any further I need to say, NaPro Technology is seriously the best medical advance for infertility. If you don't know what it is, you need to do yourself a favor and go to: http://www.naprotechnology.com/
 Okay, shameless plug ended. 

In the end of September, our FCP let us know that she suspected I might have a hormone deficiency  (the length of my cycles tipped her off to this). She suspected that I had low Progesterone and advised that I call and set up an appointment with Dr. Keefe. I made the appointment the next day and tried not to worry. Landon immediately proved to be my comfort and strength. He reminded me over and over that he was right beside me, for life, no matter what. Yes, he is incredible, I know. If you don't know, Progesterone is commonly referred to as "the pregnancy hormone," if one's progesterone levels are too low, then one has a higher rate of miscarriage and a harder time conceiving. Scary. There were lots of tears the next few days. I never even considered that we could have fertility issues. It was hard not to feel sad and scared. 

At the appointment, Dr. Keefe confirmed that I most likely did have low Progesterone and decided to run a PMS panel just to check my other hormone levels. This basically entailed multiple blood draws done in a little over a week. This tested Progesterone, Estrogen, and my thyroid hormone levels. Lots of needle pokes. My arms looked pretty beat up. Thankfully the good Lord blessed us with cooler weather so I was able to wear long sleeves. I should mention, the nurses at PPVI were wonderful about my blood draws. They were very attentive, quick and really tried not to poke me too many times when accessing veins. 

A three-week wait followed the blood draws. Nervous is an understatement. We prayed all the time. Landon truly is a prayer warrior, y'all. He really is. Finally, my results came in. We met with Dr. Keefe and she confirmed that I do indeed have a Progesterone issue. My body naturally makes very little Progesterone; while this isn't always "curable" it is treatable. She recommended bio-identical Progesterone injections on days 3,5,7, and 9 following my Peak ovulation day. In my head, my reaction was, "Okay. Not fabulous news, it will be tough to have a baby and take longer, but okay. There is a plan." I just kept squeezing Landon's hand. 

Dr. Keefe handed me the prescription for the injections and made an appointment for me to meet with the nurse for injection instruction and then she reached for another packet of papers. She started talking about my other hormone levels. She handed me the packet. My head spun. Thyroid levels were too low, medicine could be used to treat it, do this protocol and send it in, bloodwork will take another two weeks, etc. All of this ran together. She shook our hands and walked us out, told me to call if I had questions or needed help with the injections.

We got in the elevator. Landon asked if I was okay.  I said, "I was prepared for the low progesterone. I had made peace with that. I feel blindsided by the thyroid issue." He pulled me into a hug and kissed my forehead. We went home and I started supper. I kept busy, wiping down the counters, filling the dishwasher. Landon talked to me. Assured me that God had a plan, good would come of this. And then I burned supper and the floodgates opened. 

I cried for the next couple of hours. It was rough. The crying was interspersed with these thoughts: I can't even make supper. Seriously it is not hard to make spaghetti sauce and spaghetti squash. I burned it. So simple and I ruined it. Sure, the injections would help our chances of conceiving and being able to carry a baby to term but, it is likely to still be a long road to conceiving. I'll be 29 when we marry. What if can't have more than one baby? What if treatment doesn't work? That's not fair to Landon. He deserves to be a father and have a full life. What about the issues my CP has been causing (S.I. issues affecting both legs making standing and moving around very difficult and requiring 4 weeks of chiropractor treatment), what about when that comes back? And the thyroid levels. I had just bought my wedding dress the weekend before. What if I gained back the weight I had lost and looked terrible in my dress on our wedding day?

Basically, I was overloaded emotionally. Anxiety took over and I fell apart. 

As soon as the wedding dress comment came out of my mouth, my Prince Charming, who had been quietly listening and hugging me said: "Princess, It is going to be okay. I promise. God will bring us our family. Whether biological or adoption, we will have a family. You are handling the CP/S.I. issues very well and I don't mind helping you. It is kind of fun to lift you up when you are having trouble standing up. I promise you, I am walking life with you no matter what happens. I have never thought you needed to lose weight. I am proud of your hard work and that you are healthy but, as long as you are healthy I will you no matter what a number on a scale says. And as far as our wedding day goes, you are going to be absolutely beautiful. Stunning. If your dress doesn't fit okay fine, we'll buy another. But it will fit. You will look beautiful. You are beautiful and you are going to be a great wife and mother. I love you. I'm going to order Chinese food." He kissed me and passed me some tissues. 

The rest of that night and the next weeks were emotional. Landon held my hand and gave me tons of hugs. Eventually, I got my head wrapped around all of it. I'm now a pro at giving myself shots, getting through hot flashes without passing out, handling constant nausea and taking medications, pulses and temperatures like clockwork. Landon is fantastic at recording my observations, questions, side effects, etc on my cycle chart each day. We make a good team. 

While treatment of my hormone deficiencies gives us hope of conceiving a child shortly after our wedding in Septemeber, it doesn't guarantee it.  Realistically, it gives us a fairly good chance of conceiving with the first 9 months to a year after marriage. To answer the question, "Why don't you just go on birth control that has hormones and could fix it, right?" My answer is simply this: "We are against it." Plain and simple. Not open for discussion and no, we don't need to hear any arguments for it. It's a no. No debates please, respect our stance even if you disagree. We'll do the same for you. 

I never planned on fertility issues. The reality that we have them has changed how I think about being a wife and mother. I cannot wait to cherish a child. It has confirmed my desire to be an at home mama. I am determined to treasure any and all children God blesses Landon and me with. 

The beautiful thing in all of this is Landon and I's relationship. Our fertility journey is bringing us closer together. We have a very long road ahead of us. It is riddled with countless blood draws, needles, medications, and doctor's appointments. We'll handle all of it together. There are still tough days. Days when I worry we will never have a biological child. Moments when I question whether all of the shots, medicines, and side effects are going to be worth it. But, in spite of the worries, I know that the moment we hold our child, all of it will be worth it. I also know that there is no other man in the world that I would want to walk this road with. Landon truly is my rock, my best friend and the love of my life. 

The unexpected happens. I am thankful that for now our fertility issues are being treated. It is always possible that more issues could be discovered as we start trying to conceive. I try to rest in the fact that, I have the best doctors in the world (No, really. People come from all over the world to see the doctors at PPVI.) NaPro technology is incredible. Dr. Keefe, Dr. Hilgers and all of the staff at Pope Paul VI are amazing and truly the best there is when it comes to fertility treatment. 

We're praying a lot these days. About our marriage, our family. We are hopeful for the future. We spend copious amounts of time talking finances, investments, houses, and baby names. We are happy. We realize that things will get tough and we will be tested. We stand together, ready to handle the challenges while thanking God for the blessings. 

If you think of it, pray for us, please. I have several appointments over the next few months to evaluate effects of the fertility injections and the thyroid medication. More immediate than those appointments Landon will be in Denver until February 10th. We are dreading the separation. Here's to hoping it is a time of spiritual growth for both of us and that absence indeed does make the heart grow fonder. 


I sincerely hope that this post helps someone. Encourages someone. Infertility and fertility challenges are experienced by so many but, also not widely and openly talked about. While it was really stressful for me to write this and put it out in the world, I have with the prayer that it will help someone. If you have questions about Pope Paul VI Institute and NaPro Technology or about my specific fertility issues and treatments, feel free to contact me. 

84,000 Prayers,

Teresa 

The Love of my Life...

Hi All-

I would apologize for my lack of blogging this summer but, frankly, I've been so busy. I moved in June but, was prepped and packed in May (shuffling of dates and locations). School wrapped up in a whirlwind, an online class was started before the students were out the door, I adopted a turtle (the Noble Ocelot), and oh yeah, I got engaged. Yes, you read that correctly, the biggest, most wonderful event of my summer is by far my engagement to the love of my life. We have set our wedding date for September 2, 2017. Wedding plans are in full swing. It is exciting, a tad overwhelming and oh so joyful. 

Before I share our engagement pictures with you, I want to gush over my guy. He really is amazing. If you can't stand the mushy stuff feel free to skip to video at the bottom of the post, I promise I won't be offended. 

***Mushy lovey stuff starts here***

Landon is truly the most marvelous man I have ever met. He is remarkably intelligent, kind, loving, happy, sweet and romantic. In addition to all of this, he is incredibly faith-filled. He inspires and challenges me to be a stronger woman of faith each and every day. He is full of God's grace. I have just a few experiences of the grace that flows out of the heart of this dashingly handsome man. 

Over the last year, Landon has become my best friend, my biggest supporter and my happy place. I cannot put into words the amount of love he has showered me with. 

When I left the abusive relationship I had been in for 13 months two and a half years ago, I honestly didn't know if I could trust someone again. My heart was so battered and broken I just didn't know if I could open myself up again. I had worked so hard to heal my heart and rebuild my self-confidence that I was terrified of being hurt again. And then Landon happened. He was, from the beginning, so kind and thoughtful. He has always been very sensitive and respectful of the past hurt I endured. 

In the beginning, I was very cautious with the details I told him about my past. I didn't want to scare him off. Eventually, though, I needed to tell him so that we both knew where we stood. I knew it was a risk and it could make or break our relationship. As scared as I was, I told him anyway. I talked and he listened. I cried and he comforted. He prayed with me. He made me feel safe and loved. I still cannot really describe the effect that his response to my past had on me.

To build a relationship with someone who was abused in the past can be really difficult as Landon and I quickly found out. 

In the summer of 2015, I remember thinking to myself that I was, "all better." 9 months of therapy and hard work in 2014 had fixed me. None of that stuff from my past would ever bother me again. After all, I had explained everything to Landon and he had accepted me and loved me in spite of it. I was healed completely. Think again, girly. As our relationship progressed and we got to know each other more, I was confronted with pain that I didn't know still existed. It got really hard sometimes.  At first, I didn't tell him of the war I was waging within my own heart.

Yet again, there came a point when I just needed to tell him. Once again, I found myself crying, telling him that I didn't understand where he saw beauty in me, he listened and when I was finished, Landon hugged me tight, kissed my forehead and said to me, "Beautiful, don't you know how beautiful you are to me? Body and soul. Always. Your faith in Christ, your devotion to him, your countless prayers for me and all those around you. You. Are. Beautiful." I tear up just writing it. His sincerity, generosity, genuine love, and concern have done more good for me than I can explain. His love of books has helped, of course. 

Landon does so much for me. He puts up with, "my chaos" as I call it. Often I turn to him and say, "I am such a basket case. How on earth do you deal with me?" His response time and time again is, "It's my honor to be beside you. It's not "dealing with you" it's happily loving you." Goodness gracious this man. I tell ya. 

I don't want anyone thinking that I left abuse and found perfection. I didn't. I found human. So did Landon. We are both human. We make mistakes. We sin. We are both works in progress. The beauty of it is, we have a merciful Father in Heaven who knows our faults and gladly forgives us. His mercy is new every morning and for that, we rejoice together. How blessed we are.

Simply put, Landon has changed my life for the better. He is my Prince Charming in the truest sense. I'm blessed to be his princess. While our love story isn't a fairytale, it's ours and we are so proud of it. Courtship can be hard but it is worth it. I cannot wait to marry Landon in 387 days. 

Last winter, I texted Landon Psalm 34:4, "Oh magnify the Lord with me. Let us exalt His name together forever..." along with the question, "Will you run after God with me?" He responded "Yes." We talked then about making this verse our mission statement so to speak. We hoped that one day our courtship and God willing, our marriage would be an inspiration to other couples. We had the conversation and then went on. By April, we knew wanted to get married. On Memorial Day, Landon asked my daddy's permission to marry me. As far as I knew, we would be getting engaged in August around the Feast of the Assumption. 

On June 15, 2016 Landon picked me up for Mass and Adoration at St. Robert Bellarmine. This is the place we fell in love. After Mass we walked over to the Adoration Chapel. We walked in, sat down and Landon handed me his Bible. I opened it and then read the paper marking the page. He wrote of his love for me and the hope to never lose me. Then he asked, "Will you magnify the Lord with me? Will you exalt his name forever with me?" I looked up and Landon was on one knee with a ring in his hand. He asked me to marry him and I said, "Yes!" He arranged for a photographer to capture the moment and she was great! I highly recommend Crystal Zamora and Nikki McLeay of Nikki McLeay Photography. I made the video below using the photos that Crystal captured of us. I hope you enjoy them as much as we do!

***Mushy lovey stuff ends here***

To close, I want you all to know that I hold you in prayer. If you are waiting on the one God has for you, keep the faith. I'm living proof that He is ever faithful. 

84,000 Prayers,

Teresa 

Ivory Towers and God's Hands

This second year of teaching has had its ups and downs and lately, it has been really difficult. My classes are all really big, lots of really bright kids and lots of kids that need a lot of TLC. I love my job. It is the best. I work with some of the best educators in the world and I wouldn't trade it (shout-out to LCMS 8th grade team teachers!). With my two co-taught sections I have tremendous support from two awesome Special Education teachers who go above and beyond for all kids. As a person who has lived (and mostly thrived) with both a learning and physical disability, I have a spot in my heart and soul for children with similar challenges. I want to help them to succeed, to meet their full potential and beat the odds. I know from personal experience it is possible and I want to help them get there. Most of the time, I meet challenge and I triumph but sometimes I struggle. 

If I am honest, I have lived a very sheltered life. I went to Catholic school, have a very close-knit (albeit very large) family, a close circle of friends who come from similar backgrounds, I was blessed enough to live in a safe area of town and go to good schools. All of this is wonderful and has made me into who I am today. It has also been a sort of ivory tower. In accepting a teaching position over a year ago, I stepped out of that tower. I've been met with realities strikingly different from own in the last several months. I've gotten a good look at the way life can really be. Every single bit of life can have a dark side. I have heard this in books. Now I can say I've seen it first hand. And it's hard. It hurts. To see situations that I can't fix or help is enough to make me want to turn and flee for shelter. To shut it out. In placing me where He has as a teacher, God is continually prying my hands from my eyes, making me see the evil in the world. He says to me, "You cannot conquer the evil, Little One. I can." He has extended an invitation for me to help Him.

I can't explain the heartbreak that is seeing a child as a victim of their circumstances. These children don't mean to be difficult, exhausting, rude, hurtful, or spiteful. I know that. They act this way out of an attempt to cope with their world, a world so traumatic that I cannot begin to understand it. And while I silently repeat the mantra, "Love them anyway" in my head it isn't always enough to stop the rage that boils in my heart. Love them even when they exhaust you, hate you, curse you and push you way. Love them anyway. This isn't always enough to keep me from feeling like I am failing my students. There isn't enough of me. I can't help these few that so desperately need more than just school and still manage to help those that just want to understand this week's close reading selection. Love them anyway. 

Some days, like the last two, I stand in my classroom and marvel. So many needs, so many hurts, so much wonder, amazement and strife. I know these children. I know their stories. Some of them are enough to turn your stomach and make you cry. So many needs and I am one person. Am I really able to do this at all? Do they know that I love them in spite of the gray hair they give me? 

There came one of these moments on Thursday (I think it was Thursday), while the kids were working on position papers in writer's workshop. I was moving from group to group, proofreading, editing, helping with MLA Works Cited pages when one of my more difficult students, decided to leave the room. I had to try to persuade the student to stay and then when that failed I had to call administration. This caused a distraction to all, of course. Students were asking for help left and right, one young man needed to go to his locker, another to the library, I had a school psychologist and a vision teacher observing and I had this moment, in all of this chaos, where I looked at the mess that was my room and thought, "This is my circus, and those are my monkeys..." Not good, friends. Not good at all. The tears were so close to the surface it wasn't even funny. 

Friday was no better, but at least I didn't have visitors there to watch me flounder. I have to wonder, why does God let these things happen to children? He is an all powerful, omniscient being and yet, He lets children live in chaos and squalor. Why? Why does He stand by and let these things happen?  I'm hit with white hot anger at these situations, I ask the questions and then my faith kicks in. The answer is, He lets it happen because He has to. It's called freedom of choice. He gifted us with it. I think it is like this, He made the world a co-operative initiative where we as humans get to decide to go His way or to refuse to go His way. I choose each day, to go His way.

And so, He pries my hands from my eyes day after day. You see, conquering evil is a joint venture. God and me. With God in me, working through me, He conquers evil every time. He sees the children, as I see them, His heartbreaks too. He knows there are days when I am tired, when my heart is shattered for the ones I know deep down I cannot help. In those moments, He aches with me. And after listening to me pour my heart out in sadness, rage, agony, or weariness, He helps me to find the courage to do it all again tomorrow. I am His hands. I choose this struggle. Even when it threatens to overcome me, it won't because God is in me. 

One soul. One child. The reality is that I may only help one child. I may only ever truly leave an imprint on one child's heart. It's worth it. I forget that sometimes. "Love them anyway." The work of my heart, teaching, is love made visible. Even to those children that test every bit of my patience and exhaust every one of my efforts to help them I have to believe that it is their hearts I am helping. Even if they don't know now, or ever, I will always know, I loved them anyway. 

84,000 Prayers
~Teresa

Musings on Discernment

Proverbs 15:14 says, "The discerning heart seeks knowledge..."(NABRE). As a Catholic, I accept this truth wholeheartedly. But what is discernment? Is it only reserved for people considering religious life? How do you know when you are done discerning? How do you know what your answer is?

According the Merriam-Webster dictionary discernment is defined in two ways:

1. The ability to judge well.

2. (in Christian contexts) Perception in the absence of judgment with a view to obtaining spiritual direction and understanding.

Discernment for me means weighing big decisions with a prayerful heart and open mind. It means that I open to and trusting of God's will in my life. Personally, I believe that discernment is ongoing process. I have discerned religious life, career choices, moving choices, volunteer opportunities, pets, all kinds of things. I don't want to make discernment sound flippant or silly. It is a very serious thing. I am the type of person that tries to approach all decisions seriously and with thought. 

I think that being able to discern has a lot to do with self control and knowing that life impacting decisions need time and serious thought to make. 

I know that I am guilty of getting caught up in the moment and the excitement of new things or possible outcomes to situations. It is in these moments that it is hardest to step back and take stock of the situation and really listen to what God's plan is for me. 

"The ability to see things for what they REALLY are and not for what you WANT them to be." Powerful isn't it?

This truth about discernment is clarifying and it is also terrifying. It means that in order to truly discern something I must abandon the outcomes that I have created in my head (I'm a girl, that's what we do) and I need to give it all to Christ. I then need to prayerfully and openly consider all options, possibilities and God's will. It means that I have to trust His plan. He already knows the outcome. He wrote it before I was in the situation. My job is to pray, listen, and seek Him. 

As I put all of this in black and white, the process seems simple. I know from past experience that it is far from easy. Often it is exciting, scary, frustrating, and even heavy at times. This jumble of feelings comes from my humanness. Every once in a while when discerning something, I forget that I have given the matter to God and I try to "hurry up and find the answer because God has bigger things to deal with" (this should be read as, "get what I want/think I need because I think I know best"). When this happens, frustration kicks in. Fear kicks in when I lose focus on discerning God's will and focus on the worry that the outcome will impact me negatively. 

I have found that for me, the key to discernment is patience (a continual work in progress for me), prayer, and remembering that God works all things for my good in His own time. His time, not my time. Big difference.

So how do I know when I have an answer to something I am discerning? Well, I have peace over the matter. It is a feeling of joy, quiet and reassuring joy. I don't hear a little voice telling me the  answer. I just have peace and joy fill my heart.  I can't speak to how other people know they have an answer to something they are discerning. It never hurts to ask, my friends. 

I am discerning currently. It is something that I praying almost constantly about. I have to remember that everything is in God's hands and He knows what He is doing. I'm not alone in this discernment, not by a long shot. 

I am praying for you and all of your intentions. Will you pray for me?

84,000 Prayers,

~Teresa 

The Challenge of Being a Light

It has been a long time since my last post. This second year of teaching has brought new challenges, new friends, new experiences and many new responsibilities. In August, I began dating a wonderful, Godly man who valiantly leads me to Jesus each and every day. He is a shining example of what it is to be a pillar of faith. He is chivalrous, kind, and loving; a true Prince Charming.  He is also so much fun to spend time with! He really is a knight in shining armor.  Pray for him, will you? Thanks! 

About a year ago I posted an entry about being a light to others. I would like to say that this has become easier for me. It has not. While I am no longer experiencing a constant "dark night of the soul," I still struggle to use my God given light to be an example for others. I reread that entry and with it, reread Crystalina Evert's letter to women. Here are the things that struck me (Crystalina's letter is in italics, my thoughts follow in this font):

**"Why do you always seek man’s approval? You’re always wondering: “Do I look pretty enough? Do I sound smart enough?” With a shadow of insecurity hovering above you, you’re always trying to keep others interested. Meanwhile, you give yourself away while ignoring your gut. Don’t be controlled by the amount of attention and approval you receive, and stop being ashamed of yourself. Your worth can’t come from who you’re with, what you wear, or what others think of you.
Are you scared to admit your own self-worth? Do you keep your true beauty, gifts, and talents so locked away and hidden from the world that you can’t truly see how amazing you are? Are you afraid of shining so bright that the light will scare others away..." 

This is something that I still grapple with at times as a woman. Even though I have a fantastic family, great friends who love me as I am, not to mention a man who loves me and reminds me all the time of the love that God has for me. Even with these amazing, God given reminders, I struggle to allow my own light to shine for fear that it will make others uncomfortable. In this new year, I am striving to treat myself gently. Accept compliments as compliments, to allow myself to be a talented singer, writer, and teacher. The people around me see these things and are accepting of them. Why does it matter if the rest of the world is not? It doesn't. This fact is easier said than it is believed and carried out.

I admire Crystalina's bravery, she takes on something that I shy away from even thinking about, the fact that I was created by God to be a beautiful, shining light. An example, a beacon to others.
"You are the light of the world. A city set on a mountain cannot be hidden. Nor do they light a lamp and then put it under a bushel basket; it is set on a lampstand, where it gives light to all in the house. Just so, your light must shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your heavenly Father." (Matthew 5, 14-16 NABRE) 

 I know that I am guilty of hiding my light, at times I am afraid of the light that God has given me, afraid of the call He has issued to me to spread His love, to be an example of faith and of what He can do. I ask, "Why me?" I tell Him, "Ask someone else, for I am broken, I am afraid," "There are better women than I, Lord," "Wait until I am healed, Jesus, then I will use my light." Over and over, Jesus speaks to my heart, "You are the light of the world. You are the light of the world." (Matthew 5, 14 NABRE) 

This is the daily test I am living out. To allow Christ to shine through me. To accept that He isn't going to ask someone else for He has called me. He wants my light, my words, my care, my empathy. He wants me. Brokenness and all. The fact of it is, my friends, none of us are ever healed when we are called. We are complete in Christ alone. He works through our broken pieces and heals us as we help others. 

Not being healed, doesn't mean we are not whole. We are whole in Christ. Through the mercy and grace of His love. Not being healed doesn't mean that we do not receive love. Christ continues to love us and miraculously blesses us with people to love us in spite of our broken pieces. I have learned very recently the power of someone who is willing to see my brokenness and love me through it. I could write a book on the power of that kind of love. It takes a true man of Christ to be willing to love that way and I am blessed to have him in my life. 

Being called to love, support and minister in spite my brokenness is a daunting task. So often we get wrapped up in our own hurts and trials. When we focus on someone else's pain, we are able to minister in a whole in new way, to offer comfort from the deepest part of our hearts. Even if it is just holding a hand at Mass or curling  up in silence by the fire.  It is a task that I humbly accept. Over the last weeks, I have put this call into action and I hope and pray that those I was trying to minister to were helped even in a small way. Right now, my call is to love. To do what is asked of me to the best of my ability and to pray. It is an honor and very humbling to use my light to help another. I am not perfect at it, but I am listening to Jesus and letting Him lead. 

In her letter, Crystalina goes on to tell us of the help Christ offers each one of us, she reminds us that Jesus can help to erase these fears, if we only reach for him.  Her words speak to my scared, broken self in the moments when I most want to hide my light: 


**" Do not shy from who you are because you fear abandonment or the negative opinions of others. You take scraps from the world, but I have given you everything you need, deep within you. Everyone’s light is different and some brighter than others. But do not be scared of your own light, for it was put in you so that others who are blinded by their own darkness could see your light.
Why are you scared and sad? Why do you belittle yourself and dim your own light? Your light was made to shine—that is its purpose. Your self-worth is within you and has been given to you for a purpose. Your beauty—God’s beauty—was given for a great reason as well. The darkness has tried to extinguish this beauty within, but it cannot. It will not be put out.
At times, you allow your insecurities to overpower you, and your thoughts run wild. But with Jesus’ love you can control any vice, wickedness, or evil weapon that comes against you. It’s time to rise up, unafraid of who you are. Embrace it. Do not lower yourself or hide, because the power of my love and grace will always be there to catch you and show you the way. I will catch you, but will you let me?"

This is the challenge! To continue to know and believe that the thoughts and insecurities that threaten to overtake and consume me are not from my Jesus! My light is from Jesus and it is what I must use to lead others. The beauty that God has instilled into my very soul cannot be taken or destroyed. It is through Jesus that I can conquer the doubts. It is with Jesus that I can shine my light because if I stumble He will catch and comfort me. Again and again He has proven this. Now, I must finally challenge myself to accept this truth and shine my light in His name as an example of His love to the world.

There are times when the darkness still finds its way  in and hovers over my soul; it is still terrifying. I find that when it creeps in, I cling to the word of God, and to the comfort of the Holy Mother. I pray the rosary unceasingly in my head and repeat Isaiah 41:10, " Do not fear: I am with you; do not be anxious: I am your God..." until the words swim before my eyes and my racing heart slows. I have found that these words from Crystalina's letter bring a peace that I long to keep. It is with these words, I will close this post and I hope that they will resonate with you as they have with me. 

 Keep your light shining, friends. In spite of the doubt and the fear, use the light God gave you. Minister to others, offer love, hope and grace to everyone you meet. Use your light to love those around you to the best of your ability. As Mother Teresa said, "Love until it hurts." Through your fear, in the middle of the darkness, hold on to your faith in Jesus. He is there. Even when one cannot feel Him. 

 **"Deep down you know who you are and what you are supposed to do. Stop lowering yourself to the world and start rising to heaven. Even though it might seem so far away, it truly is all around you. Heaven is watching, praying, and cheering you on. You have a whole army of angels and saints wanting you to succeed in your battle. But the biggest battle of all will be with yourself. Know who you are and what you are not. You are a beloved daughter of Jesus, He who is God."

 84,000 Prayers Your Way,
~Teresa




**come from a letter written to women by Crystalina Evert. Found on www.womenmadenew.com

Isn't he handsome?! 

A Long Overdue Post

It has been a while.  After Christmas, things with work really took on a new pace.  I learned that it was all about keeping the students busy and keeping my own head above water. I had my share of challenges and definitely grew as a person and as a teacher. I am thankful beyond words for the teachers that I not only work with but also have the honor and joy of calling friends. They made my hurdles a little easier because they stood by me and supported me through everything. 

In March, a friend (and coworker) asked me to move in with her. The hunt for a place was over by the end of April and we were all moved in on the 6th of June. Living away from my family has been an adjustment and learning process but I am enjoying it immensely. 

 This summer has been one of reading, relaxing, watching movies and lots of prayer time.  I have so many things to pray for that sometimes I don't know where to focus my prayers. I am definitely receiving a lesson in laying it ALL at Jesus' feet.  That is a hard thing to do.  So often, I say, "Yes, Lord take it all. You have the control over everything in my life." And I mean that. I truly do, but alas, I am human and as a human, I desire to "write my own story" even when God's plan is infinitely better than mine. You see, I know how I want things to go and sometimes, I get a little freaked out because I know as well as everyone else does that MY plan and Heavenly Father's plan can be (and usually are) very different things.  I am in a constant state of being taught to follow, obey and TRUST. It can be hard and draining, but I know that it is for my own good.  I can certainly attest to the fact that it does bring me closer to Jesus.  And being close to my Jesus is the best feeling in the world.  

My current verses that I am praying over are:

 Psalm 34:4, "Oh magnify the Lord with me; and let us exalt his name forever." 

Isaiah 41:10, "Do not fear: I am with you; do not be anxious: I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my victorious right hand."

Proverbs 3:5-6, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding."

84,000 Prayers your way!

Teresa

     

Fear of Darkness and Making Use of God Given Light

Merry Christmas! Happy New Year! I pray that your Christmas was as peaceful and blessed as mine. It truly was a joyful time with family. I am blessed to be in a better place this year than last. Amazing to know the difference one decision can make! I can honestly say, that I have used this break as a break and have only gone into school once (to let a close friend and colleague in to her room to feed the turtles). I have thoroughly enjoyed the time with family; I have done lots of baking, and spent time devouring books (three so far), reading and in prayer. The last two days I had a stomach bug, thankfully it has passed and I am feeling like me again. 

While reading a few months ago, I came across a letter written by Crystalina Evert (www.womenmadenew.com). In this letter, Crystalina writes of common, deep seated insecurities many women face each day. This letter struck a chord with me, as I wrestle with many of the insecurities and fears she presents. She writes, 
**"Why do you always seek man’s approval? You’re always wondering: “Do I look pretty enough? Do I sound smart enough?” With a shadow of insecurity hovering above you, you’re always trying to keep others interested. Meanwhile, you give yourself away while ignoring your gut. Don’t be controlled by the amount of attention and approval you receive, and stop being ashamed of yourself. Your worth can’t come from who you’re with, what you wear, or what others think of you.
Are you scared to admit your own self-worth? Do you keep your true beauty, gifts, and talents so locked away and hidden from the world that you can’t truly see how amazing you are? Are you afraid of shining so bright that the light will scare others away..." 

I admire Crystalina's bravery, she takes on something that I shy away from even thinking about, the fact that I was created by God to be a beautiful, shining light. An example, a beacon to others.
"You are the light of the world. A city set on a mountain cannot be hidden. Nor do they light a lamp and then put it under a bushel basket; it is set on a lampstand, where it gives light to all in the house. Just so, your light must shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your heavenly Father." (Matthew 5, 14-16 NABRE) 

I know that I am guilty of hiding my light, at times I am afraid of the light that God has given me, afraid of the call He has issued to me to spread His love, to be an example of faith and of what He can do. I ask, "Why me?" I tell Him, "Ask someone else, for I am broken, I am afraid," "There are better women than I, Lord," "Wait until I am healed, Jesus, then I will use my light." Over and over, Jesus speaks to my heart, "You are the light of the world. You are the light of the world." (Matthew 5, 14 NABRE) 

In her letter, Crystalina goes on to tell us of the help Christ offers each one of us, she reminds us that Jesus can help to erase these fears, if we only reach for him.  Her words speak to my scared, broken self in the moments when I most want to hide my light:

**" Do not shy from who you are because you fear abandonment or the negative opinions of others. You take scraps from the world, but I have given you everything you need, deep within you. Everyone’s light is different and some brighter than others. But do not be scared of your own light, for it was put in you so that others who are blinded by their own darkness could see your light.
Why are you scared and sad? Why do you belittle yourself and dim your own light? Your light was made to shine—that is its purpose. Your self-worth is within you and has been given to you for a purpose. Your beauty—God’s beauty—was given for a great reason as well. The darkness has tried to extinguish this beauty within, but it cannot. It will not be put out.
At times, you allow your insecurities to overpower you, and your thoughts run wild. But with Jesus’ love you can control any vice, wickedness, or evil weapon that comes against you. It’s time to rise up, unafraid of who you are. Embrace it. Do not lower yourself or hide, because the power of my love and grace will always be there to catch you and show you the way. I will catch you, but will you let me?"

There was a time, not so long ago, when I felt the presence of Christ leave me. I was alone, in a complete and total darkness. It terrified me. I had, up until that point, been a person that was blessed in the way that I felt Christ's presence daily. He had always been with me.  I physically felt His presence every single day. He smells like roses and rain, by the way. There came a moment, when I realized I couldn't feel Him anymore. I needed Him terribly and He was gone. I didn't understand. It broke my heart and terrified me to my core. I didn't realize that He hadn't left me, He was being blocked from me. My abusive boyfriend had severed my connection with Christ. Not only was he isolating me from my loved ones, he was cutting me off from The One I relied on the most. 

That was December of 2013. Reclaiming my closeness with Christ has been the hardest part of my recovery from abuse. I know in my heart, that I have been forgiven of all my transgressions and sins. I know that He never really left me, that I had just been blinded to Him for a while. Still, there are many times when I find myself in darkness and the fear creeps back in, intense and looming as ever. In these moments, I remind myself of Mother Teresa's words in, "Mother Teresa: Come Be My Light, “If I ever become a Saint—I will surely be one of ‘darkness.’  I will continually be absent from Heaven—to light the light of those in darkness on earth.” It comforts me to know that a person as holy and close to Jesus as Mother Teresa, experienced a darkness similar to the one I have been experiencing. St. John of the Cross also experienced this darkness and termed it, "a darkness of the soul." St. Therese of Lisieux is said to have experienced this as well. 

Even with the comfort of the knowledge that I am not alone in this darkness, it is still terrifying. I find that when it creeps in, I cling to the word of God, and to the comfort of the Holy Mother. I pray the rosary unceasingly in my head and repeat Isaiah 41:10, " Do not fear: I am with you; do not be anxious: I am your God..." until the words swim before my eyes and my racing heart slows. Sometimes this is not enough and I have found that these words from Crystalina's letter bring a peace that I long to keep. It is with these words, I will close this post and I hope that they will resonate with you as they have with me. 

Keep your light shining, friends. In spite of the doubt and the fear, use the light God gave you. Minister to others, offer love, hope and grace to everyone you meet. Through your fear, in the middle of the darkness, hold on to your faith in Jesus. He is there. Even when one cannot feel Him. 

**"Deep down you know who you are and what you are supposed to do. Stop lowering yourself to the world and start rising to heaven. Even though it might seem so far away, it truly is all around you. Heaven is watching, praying, and cheering you on. You have a whole army of angels and saints wanting you to succeed in your battle. But the biggest battle of all will be with yourself. Know who you are and what you are not. You are a beloved daughter of Jesus, He who is God."

84,000 Prayers Your Way,
~Teresa



**come from a letter written to women by Crystalina Evert. Found on www.womenmadenew.com