Fear of Darkness and Making Use of God Given Light

Merry Christmas! Happy New Year! I pray that your Christmas was as peaceful and blessed as mine. It truly was a joyful time with family. I am blessed to be in a better place this year than last. Amazing to know the difference one decision can make! I can honestly say, that I have used this break as a break and have only gone into school once (to let a close friend and colleague in to her room to feed the turtles). I have thoroughly enjoyed the time with family; I have done lots of baking, and spent time devouring books (three so far), reading and in prayer. The last two days I had a stomach bug, thankfully it has passed and I am feeling like me again. 

While reading a few months ago, I came across a letter written by Crystalina Evert (www.womenmadenew.com). In this letter, Crystalina writes of common, deep seated insecurities many women face each day. This letter struck a chord with me, as I wrestle with many of the insecurities and fears she presents. She writes, 
**"Why do you always seek man’s approval? You’re always wondering: “Do I look pretty enough? Do I sound smart enough?” With a shadow of insecurity hovering above you, you’re always trying to keep others interested. Meanwhile, you give yourself away while ignoring your gut. Don’t be controlled by the amount of attention and approval you receive, and stop being ashamed of yourself. Your worth can’t come from who you’re with, what you wear, or what others think of you.
Are you scared to admit your own self-worth? Do you keep your true beauty, gifts, and talents so locked away and hidden from the world that you can’t truly see how amazing you are? Are you afraid of shining so bright that the light will scare others away..." 

I admire Crystalina's bravery, she takes on something that I shy away from even thinking about, the fact that I was created by God to be a beautiful, shining light. An example, a beacon to others.
"You are the light of the world. A city set on a mountain cannot be hidden. Nor do they light a lamp and then put it under a bushel basket; it is set on a lampstand, where it gives light to all in the house. Just so, your light must shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your heavenly Father." (Matthew 5, 14-16 NABRE) 

I know that I am guilty of hiding my light, at times I am afraid of the light that God has given me, afraid of the call He has issued to me to spread His love, to be an example of faith and of what He can do. I ask, "Why me?" I tell Him, "Ask someone else, for I am broken, I am afraid," "There are better women than I, Lord," "Wait until I am healed, Jesus, then I will use my light." Over and over, Jesus speaks to my heart, "You are the light of the world. You are the light of the world." (Matthew 5, 14 NABRE) 

In her letter, Crystalina goes on to tell us of the help Christ offers each one of us, she reminds us that Jesus can help to erase these fears, if we only reach for him.  Her words speak to my scared, broken self in the moments when I most want to hide my light:

**" Do not shy from who you are because you fear abandonment or the negative opinions of others. You take scraps from the world, but I have given you everything you need, deep within you. Everyone’s light is different and some brighter than others. But do not be scared of your own light, for it was put in you so that others who are blinded by their own darkness could see your light.
Why are you scared and sad? Why do you belittle yourself and dim your own light? Your light was made to shine—that is its purpose. Your self-worth is within you and has been given to you for a purpose. Your beauty—God’s beauty—was given for a great reason as well. The darkness has tried to extinguish this beauty within, but it cannot. It will not be put out.
At times, you allow your insecurities to overpower you, and your thoughts run wild. But with Jesus’ love you can control any vice, wickedness, or evil weapon that comes against you. It’s time to rise up, unafraid of who you are. Embrace it. Do not lower yourself or hide, because the power of my love and grace will always be there to catch you and show you the way. I will catch you, but will you let me?"

There was a time, not so long ago, when I felt the presence of Christ leave me. I was alone, in a complete and total darkness. It terrified me. I had, up until that point, been a person that was blessed in the way that I felt Christ's presence daily. He had always been with me.  I physically felt His presence every single day. He smells like roses and rain, by the way. There came a moment, when I realized I couldn't feel Him anymore. I needed Him terribly and He was gone. I didn't understand. It broke my heart and terrified me to my core. I didn't realize that He hadn't left me, He was being blocked from me. My abusive boyfriend had severed my connection with Christ. Not only was he isolating me from my loved ones, he was cutting me off from The One I relied on the most. 

That was December of 2013. Reclaiming my closeness with Christ has been the hardest part of my recovery from abuse. I know in my heart, that I have been forgiven of all my transgressions and sins. I know that He never really left me, that I had just been blinded to Him for a while. Still, there are many times when I find myself in darkness and the fear creeps back in, intense and looming as ever. In these moments, I remind myself of Mother Teresa's words in, "Mother Teresa: Come Be My Light, “If I ever become a Saint—I will surely be one of ‘darkness.’  I will continually be absent from Heaven—to light the light of those in darkness on earth.” It comforts me to know that a person as holy and close to Jesus as Mother Teresa, experienced a darkness similar to the one I have been experiencing. St. John of the Cross also experienced this darkness and termed it, "a darkness of the soul." St. Therese of Lisieux is said to have experienced this as well. 

Even with the comfort of the knowledge that I am not alone in this darkness, it is still terrifying. I find that when it creeps in, I cling to the word of God, and to the comfort of the Holy Mother. I pray the rosary unceasingly in my head and repeat Isaiah 41:10, " Do not fear: I am with you; do not be anxious: I am your God..." until the words swim before my eyes and my racing heart slows. Sometimes this is not enough and I have found that these words from Crystalina's letter bring a peace that I long to keep. It is with these words, I will close this post and I hope that they will resonate with you as they have with me. 

Keep your light shining, friends. In spite of the doubt and the fear, use the light God gave you. Minister to others, offer love, hope and grace to everyone you meet. Through your fear, in the middle of the darkness, hold on to your faith in Jesus. He is there. Even when one cannot feel Him. 

**"Deep down you know who you are and what you are supposed to do. Stop lowering yourself to the world and start rising to heaven. Even though it might seem so far away, it truly is all around you. Heaven is watching, praying, and cheering you on. You have a whole army of angels and saints wanting you to succeed in your battle. But the biggest battle of all will be with yourself. Know who you are and what you are not. You are a beloved daughter of Jesus, He who is God."

84,000 Prayers Your Way,
~Teresa



**come from a letter written to women by Crystalina Evert. Found on www.womenmadenew.com

A Season of Waiting

Hello! There are officially 13 school days until Christmas break. Excited, is an understatement. It has been a long couple of weeks. My students have been quite rowdy and unruly. Hopefully, I will be able to get some good work out of them between now and Christmas break. I am so looking forward to Christmas, it truly is my favorite time of year. I love the weeks spent in waiting before Christmas. Advent is such a beautiful, peaceful time the opportunity to focus on the coming of Jesus is such a blessing. The reminder to slow down amidst all of the bustle and hurrying about and focus on Christ and His salvation for sinners is truly moving and awe inspiring. "The heavens declare the glory of God; and the heavens show His handiwork." (Psalms 19:1) Oh how true and beautiful this verse is! I pray that in this time of waiting for Our Blessed Lord, you take some time to marvel at the glory and beauty of God's creation. Take a moment or two to really just quietly sit with the Lord and thank Him for coming into the world, thank Him for his salvation of sinners. I will write again soon! Prayers to you and yours!

~Teresa