Musings on Discernment

Proverbs 15:14 says, "The discerning heart seeks knowledge..."(NABRE). As a Catholic, I accept this truth wholeheartedly. But what is discernment? Is it only reserved for people considering religious life? How do you know when you are done discerning? How do you know what your answer is?

According the Merriam-Webster dictionary discernment is defined in two ways:

1. The ability to judge well.

2. (in Christian contexts) Perception in the absence of judgment with a view to obtaining spiritual direction and understanding.

Discernment for me means weighing big decisions with a prayerful heart and open mind. It means that I open to and trusting of God's will in my life. Personally, I believe that discernment is ongoing process. I have discerned religious life, career choices, moving choices, volunteer opportunities, pets, all kinds of things. I don't want to make discernment sound flippant or silly. It is a very serious thing. I am the type of person that tries to approach all decisions seriously and with thought. 

I think that being able to discern has a lot to do with self control and knowing that life impacting decisions need time and serious thought to make. 

I know that I am guilty of getting caught up in the moment and the excitement of new things or possible outcomes to situations. It is in these moments that it is hardest to step back and take stock of the situation and really listen to what God's plan is for me. 

"The ability to see things for what they REALLY are and not for what you WANT them to be." Powerful isn't it?

This truth about discernment is clarifying and it is also terrifying. It means that in order to truly discern something I must abandon the outcomes that I have created in my head (I'm a girl, that's what we do) and I need to give it all to Christ. I then need to prayerfully and openly consider all options, possibilities and God's will. It means that I have to trust His plan. He already knows the outcome. He wrote it before I was in the situation. My job is to pray, listen, and seek Him. 

As I put all of this in black and white, the process seems simple. I know from past experience that it is far from easy. Often it is exciting, scary, frustrating, and even heavy at times. This jumble of feelings comes from my humanness. Every once in a while when discerning something, I forget that I have given the matter to God and I try to "hurry up and find the answer because God has bigger things to deal with" (this should be read as, "get what I want/think I need because I think I know best"). When this happens, frustration kicks in. Fear kicks in when I lose focus on discerning God's will and focus on the worry that the outcome will impact me negatively. 

I have found that for me, the key to discernment is patience (a continual work in progress for me), prayer, and remembering that God works all things for my good in His own time. His time, not my time. Big difference.

So how do I know when I have an answer to something I am discerning? Well, I have peace over the matter. It is a feeling of joy, quiet and reassuring joy. I don't hear a little voice telling me the  answer. I just have peace and joy fill my heart.  I can't speak to how other people know they have an answer to something they are discerning. It never hurts to ask, my friends. 

I am discerning currently. It is something that I praying almost constantly about. I have to remember that everything is in God's hands and He knows what He is doing. I'm not alone in this discernment, not by a long shot. 

I am praying for you and all of your intentions. Will you pray for me?

84,000 Prayers,

~Teresa 

The Challenge of Being a Light

It has been a long time since my last post. This second year of teaching has brought new challenges, new friends, new experiences and many new responsibilities. In August, I began dating a wonderful, Godly man who valiantly leads me to Jesus each and every day. He is a shining example of what it is to be a pillar of faith. He is chivalrous, kind, and loving; a true Prince Charming.  He is also so much fun to spend time with! He really is a knight in shining armor.  Pray for him, will you? Thanks! 

About a year ago I posted an entry about being a light to others. I would like to say that this has become easier for me. It has not. While I am no longer experiencing a constant "dark night of the soul," I still struggle to use my God given light to be an example for others. I reread that entry and with it, reread Crystalina Evert's letter to women. Here are the things that struck me (Crystalina's letter is in italics, my thoughts follow in this font):

**"Why do you always seek man’s approval? You’re always wondering: “Do I look pretty enough? Do I sound smart enough?” With a shadow of insecurity hovering above you, you’re always trying to keep others interested. Meanwhile, you give yourself away while ignoring your gut. Don’t be controlled by the amount of attention and approval you receive, and stop being ashamed of yourself. Your worth can’t come from who you’re with, what you wear, or what others think of you.
Are you scared to admit your own self-worth? Do you keep your true beauty, gifts, and talents so locked away and hidden from the world that you can’t truly see how amazing you are? Are you afraid of shining so bright that the light will scare others away..." 

This is something that I still grapple with at times as a woman. Even though I have a fantastic family, great friends who love me as I am, not to mention a man who loves me and reminds me all the time of the love that God has for me. Even with these amazing, God given reminders, I struggle to allow my own light to shine for fear that it will make others uncomfortable. In this new year, I am striving to treat myself gently. Accept compliments as compliments, to allow myself to be a talented singer, writer, and teacher. The people around me see these things and are accepting of them. Why does it matter if the rest of the world is not? It doesn't. This fact is easier said than it is believed and carried out.

I admire Crystalina's bravery, she takes on something that I shy away from even thinking about, the fact that I was created by God to be a beautiful, shining light. An example, a beacon to others.
"You are the light of the world. A city set on a mountain cannot be hidden. Nor do they light a lamp and then put it under a bushel basket; it is set on a lampstand, where it gives light to all in the house. Just so, your light must shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your heavenly Father." (Matthew 5, 14-16 NABRE) 

 I know that I am guilty of hiding my light, at times I am afraid of the light that God has given me, afraid of the call He has issued to me to spread His love, to be an example of faith and of what He can do. I ask, "Why me?" I tell Him, "Ask someone else, for I am broken, I am afraid," "There are better women than I, Lord," "Wait until I am healed, Jesus, then I will use my light." Over and over, Jesus speaks to my heart, "You are the light of the world. You are the light of the world." (Matthew 5, 14 NABRE) 

This is the daily test I am living out. To allow Christ to shine through me. To accept that He isn't going to ask someone else for He has called me. He wants my light, my words, my care, my empathy. He wants me. Brokenness and all. The fact of it is, my friends, none of us are ever healed when we are called. We are complete in Christ alone. He works through our broken pieces and heals us as we help others. 

Not being healed, doesn't mean we are not whole. We are whole in Christ. Through the mercy and grace of His love. Not being healed doesn't mean that we do not receive love. Christ continues to love us and miraculously blesses us with people to love us in spite of our broken pieces. I have learned very recently the power of someone who is willing to see my brokenness and love me through it. I could write a book on the power of that kind of love. It takes a true man of Christ to be willing to love that way and I am blessed to have him in my life. 

Being called to love, support and minister in spite my brokenness is a daunting task. So often we get wrapped up in our own hurts and trials. When we focus on someone else's pain, we are able to minister in a whole in new way, to offer comfort from the deepest part of our hearts. Even if it is just holding a hand at Mass or curling  up in silence by the fire.  It is a task that I humbly accept. Over the last weeks, I have put this call into action and I hope and pray that those I was trying to minister to were helped even in a small way. Right now, my call is to love. To do what is asked of me to the best of my ability and to pray. It is an honor and very humbling to use my light to help another. I am not perfect at it, but I am listening to Jesus and letting Him lead. 

In her letter, Crystalina goes on to tell us of the help Christ offers each one of us, she reminds us that Jesus can help to erase these fears, if we only reach for him.  Her words speak to my scared, broken self in the moments when I most want to hide my light: 


**" Do not shy from who you are because you fear abandonment or the negative opinions of others. You take scraps from the world, but I have given you everything you need, deep within you. Everyone’s light is different and some brighter than others. But do not be scared of your own light, for it was put in you so that others who are blinded by their own darkness could see your light.
Why are you scared and sad? Why do you belittle yourself and dim your own light? Your light was made to shine—that is its purpose. Your self-worth is within you and has been given to you for a purpose. Your beauty—God’s beauty—was given for a great reason as well. The darkness has tried to extinguish this beauty within, but it cannot. It will not be put out.
At times, you allow your insecurities to overpower you, and your thoughts run wild. But with Jesus’ love you can control any vice, wickedness, or evil weapon that comes against you. It’s time to rise up, unafraid of who you are. Embrace it. Do not lower yourself or hide, because the power of my love and grace will always be there to catch you and show you the way. I will catch you, but will you let me?"

This is the challenge! To continue to know and believe that the thoughts and insecurities that threaten to overtake and consume me are not from my Jesus! My light is from Jesus and it is what I must use to lead others. The beauty that God has instilled into my very soul cannot be taken or destroyed. It is through Jesus that I can conquer the doubts. It is with Jesus that I can shine my light because if I stumble He will catch and comfort me. Again and again He has proven this. Now, I must finally challenge myself to accept this truth and shine my light in His name as an example of His love to the world.

There are times when the darkness still finds its way  in and hovers over my soul; it is still terrifying. I find that when it creeps in, I cling to the word of God, and to the comfort of the Holy Mother. I pray the rosary unceasingly in my head and repeat Isaiah 41:10, " Do not fear: I am with you; do not be anxious: I am your God..." until the words swim before my eyes and my racing heart slows. I have found that these words from Crystalina's letter bring a peace that I long to keep. It is with these words, I will close this post and I hope that they will resonate with you as they have with me. 

 Keep your light shining, friends. In spite of the doubt and the fear, use the light God gave you. Minister to others, offer love, hope and grace to everyone you meet. Use your light to love those around you to the best of your ability. As Mother Teresa said, "Love until it hurts." Through your fear, in the middle of the darkness, hold on to your faith in Jesus. He is there. Even when one cannot feel Him. 

 **"Deep down you know who you are and what you are supposed to do. Stop lowering yourself to the world and start rising to heaven. Even though it might seem so far away, it truly is all around you. Heaven is watching, praying, and cheering you on. You have a whole army of angels and saints wanting you to succeed in your battle. But the biggest battle of all will be with yourself. Know who you are and what you are not. You are a beloved daughter of Jesus, He who is God."

 84,000 Prayers Your Way,
~Teresa




**come from a letter written to women by Crystalina Evert. Found on www.womenmadenew.com

Isn't he handsome?! 

A Long Overdue Post

It has been a while.  After Christmas, things with work really took on a new pace.  I learned that it was all about keeping the students busy and keeping my own head above water. I had my share of challenges and definitely grew as a person and as a teacher. I am thankful beyond words for the teachers that I not only work with but also have the honor and joy of calling friends. They made my hurdles a little easier because they stood by me and supported me through everything. 

In March, a friend (and coworker) asked me to move in with her. The hunt for a place was over by the end of April and we were all moved in on the 6th of June. Living away from my family has been an adjustment and learning process but I am enjoying it immensely. 

 This summer has been one of reading, relaxing, watching movies and lots of prayer time.  I have so many things to pray for that sometimes I don't know where to focus my prayers. I am definitely receiving a lesson in laying it ALL at Jesus' feet.  That is a hard thing to do.  So often, I say, "Yes, Lord take it all. You have the control over everything in my life." And I mean that. I truly do, but alas, I am human and as a human, I desire to "write my own story" even when God's plan is infinitely better than mine. You see, I know how I want things to go and sometimes, I get a little freaked out because I know as well as everyone else does that MY plan and Heavenly Father's plan can be (and usually are) very different things.  I am in a constant state of being taught to follow, obey and TRUST. It can be hard and draining, but I know that it is for my own good.  I can certainly attest to the fact that it does bring me closer to Jesus.  And being close to my Jesus is the best feeling in the world.  

My current verses that I am praying over are:

 Psalm 34:4, "Oh magnify the Lord with me; and let us exalt his name forever." 

Isaiah 41:10, "Do not fear: I am with you; do not be anxious: I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my victorious right hand."

Proverbs 3:5-6, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding."

84,000 Prayers your way!

Teresa

     

Fear of Darkness and Making Use of God Given Light

Merry Christmas! Happy New Year! I pray that your Christmas was as peaceful and blessed as mine. It truly was a joyful time with family. I am blessed to be in a better place this year than last. Amazing to know the difference one decision can make! I can honestly say, that I have used this break as a break and have only gone into school once (to let a close friend and colleague in to her room to feed the turtles). I have thoroughly enjoyed the time with family; I have done lots of baking, and spent time devouring books (three so far), reading and in prayer. The last two days I had a stomach bug, thankfully it has passed and I am feeling like me again. 

While reading a few months ago, I came across a letter written by Crystalina Evert (www.womenmadenew.com). In this letter, Crystalina writes of common, deep seated insecurities many women face each day. This letter struck a chord with me, as I wrestle with many of the insecurities and fears she presents. She writes, 
**"Why do you always seek man’s approval? You’re always wondering: “Do I look pretty enough? Do I sound smart enough?” With a shadow of insecurity hovering above you, you’re always trying to keep others interested. Meanwhile, you give yourself away while ignoring your gut. Don’t be controlled by the amount of attention and approval you receive, and stop being ashamed of yourself. Your worth can’t come from who you’re with, what you wear, or what others think of you.
Are you scared to admit your own self-worth? Do you keep your true beauty, gifts, and talents so locked away and hidden from the world that you can’t truly see how amazing you are? Are you afraid of shining so bright that the light will scare others away..." 

I admire Crystalina's bravery, she takes on something that I shy away from even thinking about, the fact that I was created by God to be a beautiful, shining light. An example, a beacon to others.
"You are the light of the world. A city set on a mountain cannot be hidden. Nor do they light a lamp and then put it under a bushel basket; it is set on a lampstand, where it gives light to all in the house. Just so, your light must shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your heavenly Father." (Matthew 5, 14-16 NABRE) 

I know that I am guilty of hiding my light, at times I am afraid of the light that God has given me, afraid of the call He has issued to me to spread His love, to be an example of faith and of what He can do. I ask, "Why me?" I tell Him, "Ask someone else, for I am broken, I am afraid," "There are better women than I, Lord," "Wait until I am healed, Jesus, then I will use my light." Over and over, Jesus speaks to my heart, "You are the light of the world. You are the light of the world." (Matthew 5, 14 NABRE) 

In her letter, Crystalina goes on to tell us of the help Christ offers each one of us, she reminds us that Jesus can help to erase these fears, if we only reach for him.  Her words speak to my scared, broken self in the moments when I most want to hide my light:

**" Do not shy from who you are because you fear abandonment or the negative opinions of others. You take scraps from the world, but I have given you everything you need, deep within you. Everyone’s light is different and some brighter than others. But do not be scared of your own light, for it was put in you so that others who are blinded by their own darkness could see your light.
Why are you scared and sad? Why do you belittle yourself and dim your own light? Your light was made to shine—that is its purpose. Your self-worth is within you and has been given to you for a purpose. Your beauty—God’s beauty—was given for a great reason as well. The darkness has tried to extinguish this beauty within, but it cannot. It will not be put out.
At times, you allow your insecurities to overpower you, and your thoughts run wild. But with Jesus’ love you can control any vice, wickedness, or evil weapon that comes against you. It’s time to rise up, unafraid of who you are. Embrace it. Do not lower yourself or hide, because the power of my love and grace will always be there to catch you and show you the way. I will catch you, but will you let me?"

There was a time, not so long ago, when I felt the presence of Christ leave me. I was alone, in a complete and total darkness. It terrified me. I had, up until that point, been a person that was blessed in the way that I felt Christ's presence daily. He had always been with me.  I physically felt His presence every single day. He smells like roses and rain, by the way. There came a moment, when I realized I couldn't feel Him anymore. I needed Him terribly and He was gone. I didn't understand. It broke my heart and terrified me to my core. I didn't realize that He hadn't left me, He was being blocked from me. My abusive boyfriend had severed my connection with Christ. Not only was he isolating me from my loved ones, he was cutting me off from The One I relied on the most. 

That was December of 2013. Reclaiming my closeness with Christ has been the hardest part of my recovery from abuse. I know in my heart, that I have been forgiven of all my transgressions and sins. I know that He never really left me, that I had just been blinded to Him for a while. Still, there are many times when I find myself in darkness and the fear creeps back in, intense and looming as ever. In these moments, I remind myself of Mother Teresa's words in, "Mother Teresa: Come Be My Light, “If I ever become a Saint—I will surely be one of ‘darkness.’  I will continually be absent from Heaven—to light the light of those in darkness on earth.” It comforts me to know that a person as holy and close to Jesus as Mother Teresa, experienced a darkness similar to the one I have been experiencing. St. John of the Cross also experienced this darkness and termed it, "a darkness of the soul." St. Therese of Lisieux is said to have experienced this as well. 

Even with the comfort of the knowledge that I am not alone in this darkness, it is still terrifying. I find that when it creeps in, I cling to the word of God, and to the comfort of the Holy Mother. I pray the rosary unceasingly in my head and repeat Isaiah 41:10, " Do not fear: I am with you; do not be anxious: I am your God..." until the words swim before my eyes and my racing heart slows. Sometimes this is not enough and I have found that these words from Crystalina's letter bring a peace that I long to keep. It is with these words, I will close this post and I hope that they will resonate with you as they have with me. 

Keep your light shining, friends. In spite of the doubt and the fear, use the light God gave you. Minister to others, offer love, hope and grace to everyone you meet. Through your fear, in the middle of the darkness, hold on to your faith in Jesus. He is there. Even when one cannot feel Him. 

**"Deep down you know who you are and what you are supposed to do. Stop lowering yourself to the world and start rising to heaven. Even though it might seem so far away, it truly is all around you. Heaven is watching, praying, and cheering you on. You have a whole army of angels and saints wanting you to succeed in your battle. But the biggest battle of all will be with yourself. Know who you are and what you are not. You are a beloved daughter of Jesus, He who is God."

84,000 Prayers Your Way,
~Teresa



**come from a letter written to women by Crystalina Evert. Found on www.womenmadenew.com

A Season of Waiting

Hello! There are officially 13 school days until Christmas break. Excited, is an understatement. It has been a long couple of weeks. My students have been quite rowdy and unruly. Hopefully, I will be able to get some good work out of them between now and Christmas break. I am so looking forward to Christmas, it truly is my favorite time of year. I love the weeks spent in waiting before Christmas. Advent is such a beautiful, peaceful time the opportunity to focus on the coming of Jesus is such a blessing. The reminder to slow down amidst all of the bustle and hurrying about and focus on Christ and His salvation for sinners is truly moving and awe inspiring. "The heavens declare the glory of God; and the heavens show His handiwork." (Psalms 19:1) Oh how true and beautiful this verse is! I pray that in this time of waiting for Our Blessed Lord, you take some time to marvel at the glory and beauty of God's creation. Take a moment or two to really just quietly sit with the Lord and thank Him for coming into the world, thank Him for his salvation of sinners. I will write again soon! Prayers to you and yours!

~Teresa

A Whirlwind Finish

Friday the 14th marked the final day of my first trimester of teaching. As of 3pm yesterday afternoon, all of my grades for the trimester and been entered into my electronic grade book. Ten minutes before beginning this post, all of my grades were turned in to my boss. I am sure that means that progress reports will be going out to parents this week. I am going to spend the rest of the day pulling data on kids' grades, cleaning up and organizing my classroom, going through papers and of course setting up for the rest of the week. Hopefully the day passes quickly. 

I spent Saturday wedding dress shopping for my cousin Aly. She tried on so many beautiful dresses and the one she picked is indescribably perfect for her. Our grandmother (a master seamstress and dressmaker) came along as did her other grandmother, her fabulous mom, our friend from high school, an aunt of Aly's, a friend from college, and Aly's sister in law. We skyped in Emily so that she could be involved even though she is all the way in warm and sunny Arizona. It was so much fun! After she said yes to the dress, we went out for lunch and then went home to enjoy an afternoon of reality T.V. and girl talk. The wedding is in September and I think it is safe to say everyone is looking forward to it. That night, Aly's brother Tom, drove Aly, Katie (our friend from high school), Tynan (Aly's friend from college) and me to a local bar where we had even more girl/wedding talk! It was such a busy, eventful, exhausting day and countless memories were made and laughs shared.

Sunday, well Sunday I spent grading. My students did okay for the end of the first trimester. I wish I had gotten more final papers, but oh well. I did my end of the work and sometimes that is the only thing I can do. It has been cold and snowy here and so I spent all of Sunday cuddled up with Lifetime movies playing as I graded. It was a nice day.

 I have started the second week of Love God Greatly's Gratitude Bible study and I cannot express how poignant it is to my walk with Christ. The focus on thankfulness and gratitude to Christ amidst the struggles and trials of everyday life is something that has really made me reflect on and consider my perspective in the moments that irritate, frustrate and complicate my life. I have been made to stand back and really look at how these moments affect my life in the big picture and to really pay attention to what/where I am placing my values and priorities. It is difficult to praise God and thank Him in these moments sometimes but I am learning that I am closer to Christ if I thank Him in all moments, whatever kind they may be.

A verse that has captured my heart the last few days comes from Philippians 4:7, "And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." I think that so often we forget (I know I do) that if we just let Him, Christ will give our hearts and minds His peace and that His peace will ease our anxieties, stresses and worries. This is something that we must remember and consciously, consistently (if you are like me daily) allow Christ to do. If we do, we can be more balanced, compassionate, grateful, and loving to not Christ, but to those around us. Today, my friends, I pray Christ gives you peace for all your moments. I also pray that in return you give Him gratitude. 

To close, the picture below is from Saturday night, a good time was had by all!

                                        Me               Aly              Tyan             Katie




                                                                                                      

In Christ,

Teresa

Giving Thanks, Focusing on Blessings and Loving Life

October turned out to be a very busy, lively, vibrant month. Tons of family time, football, and fun with my friends (think indoor pool time with your best friend chasing her adorable one year old!). I finished my Esther bible study with Love God Greatly, and on November 10th I will doing another bible study with Love God Greatly, this time focusing on gratitude! If you are interested, click the link above and read all about it. I would love to have you join me in deepening my relationship with Jesus and walking closer with Him each day. It will be a joy filled, reflective, thanks focused study and I am eager to start this study! 

November is the finish of my first trimester of teaching, the start of my second trimester of teaching, wedding dress shopping with my cousin Aly, Thanksgiving, and lots of family time! I am really looking forward to it.

 I am a little nervous as well. Last Thanksgiving was an exhausting, stressful, emotional, draining time. My ex had open heart surgery on November 21, 2013. I was essentially primary care for him through his recovery in the hospital and then when he got home as well. By Thanksgiving day, I was absolutely drained. There was a ton of drama that took place on Thanksgiving day and by 11 that night, I drove home crying and just wanting to sleep for days. Now, I am completely different person. I have found my courage, my joy, and my strength. I am still nervous about how I will handle the week of the 21st. I am hoping that school will keep me very busy. I will be praying my way through that whole week. If you could pray for me, I would greatly appreciate it. My focus will be on my blessings and on all the people in my life that love, support and make me happy. 

Focus on your blessings, friends! Love is so wonderful and Jesus gives us all so much to be thankful for!

84,000 Prayers,
Teresa

P.S. My favorite devotional verse from this week was Psalm 68:35, "O God, You are awesome from Your sanctuary. The God of Israel Himself gives strength and power to the people. Blessed be God!"