Well, it has been a few a weeks since my last update, sorry about that. The time has flown by. I have had so many things to do and so much to catch up on. While the past few weeks have been jam-packed with things, they have also been filled with tons of blessings. My best friend Ashley and her husband celebrated both the baptism and 1st Birthday of their precious baby boy! Both were joyous, lovely celebrations and I was honored to be a part of them. My sister (okay, cousin) Aly, got engaged a week ago today and is planning her wedding! I am so excited for her and I cannot wait to help her put it together! Work has been busier than I can even explain. I love my job so much, but I would be lying if I said that I am not constantly overwhelmed. There have been several days over the last week that I have gone to my supports almost in tears or in tears over the things I am trying that aren't working or the things I feel like I just cannot accomplish. A colleague told me that each morning she tells herself, "I choose peace today" I have tried it this past week and I can say that it does make a difference for me. I still get overwhelmed, stressed, and frustrated, but by consciously choosing peace each day, I remain a much calmer person. My anxiety still gets really bad, in countless situations, but I have several ways to keep it in check (most of the time). I have come to accept over the last couple of months that to an extent, having anxiety problems is now just part of who I am. It is not a bad thing, I know several people very close to me with similar anxiety issues. I am learning that anxiety is all about how you deal with it. Anxiety doesn't stop you from living, you just learn to work with it, not against it. I am not perfect at it yet, but I am working on it every day. Counting my blessings is a huge help when I am in the thick of anxiety (have to thank my best friend, Ashley, for that tip) it really helps me to see the world outside of whatever is causing my anxiety in that moment. It also helps me to tell people, "My anxiety is really bad right now." Sometimes, just telling someone helps so much. I get embarrassed that I have anxiety, but I know it is not my fault. I went through something horrible, something that no one should ever have to experience and anxiety is just something that will stay with me. I got out of the relationship, I am happy, safe and I have rediscovered my joy. Anxiety is the toughest part of my new normal but, it is a very small cross to bear in comparison with the relationship and abuse I endured for far too long.
I am working A LOT, in all honesty, probably too much; but I am getting out and having fun with my friends (both coworkers and non coworkers) and life is so joyful! I am trying to remember to stop and look around once in awhile so that I don't miss all of the beautiful and amazing things taking place in my life. It is incredible to think that my world has completely changed for the better in just six, short months. I am so grateful to so many people for helping me throughout the last several months. You all know who you are and believe me when I say, I am here standing blessed, joyful, safe and happy because of your support, advice, hugs, coffee, chocolate, notes of encouragement, and most importantly prayers and love. Thank you for sticking with me! This Fall brings tons of work, Friday night football (my Daddy is a varsity football coach!), lots of coffee, more yoga (that is my goal, anyway) and most exciting in all this: helping my sister (okay, she is really my cousin) Aly, plan her wedding! It is only going to get busier and I am sure there will be lots of challenges but, I choose peace every day and I am ready! Blessings to you all!!
84,000 Prayers Your Way,
Teresa
P.S. My scripture focus this week has been Psalm 46:10 "Cease striving and know that I am God." To me, this is an instant reminder to let go of those many things I do not and cannot control. God will take care of those things I cannot. Choose peace, today and every day. He is God.
Hello!
My first full week of school flew by but it was jam packed with lesson planning, meetings, grading, getting to know my students better, rainy Iowa days, the first of what I am certain will be many blunders in front of my students, professional reading, burned spaghetti sauce (they ate it anyway) and car shopping. It was also a week full of reflections on my life and the world around me.
On Friday, I used Google Classroom to push an assignment to my students. This was the first time I had used this technology and the night before, another teacher and I had created the assignment together and set up the whole thing for students to use. Well, what I didn't realize until a student let me know, was that I had accidentally copied and pasted the Google Chat conversation my colleague and I were having into the document we had created the assignment on. OOPS! It was nothing more than two Language Arts teachers geeking out over new technology, but it was still embarrassing. I quickly deleted the assignment and let my colleague know to do the same. I am sure that this will not be the last time I do something this dumb, but I sure felt silly.
On Saturday, I bought a new car! It is a 2014 Buick Encore, and it so cute! There is a picture of it at the end of the post. I am also coming up with a name for it, so if you have a suggestion, let me know!
My job, buying a car, and my day to day life have had me reflecting this week on how much things have changed. I have not spoken of this here before, but it is a part of why I began blogging again and so I feel it is important to acknowledge.
On March 18, 2014, I left a relationship I had been in for just over a year. It had become emotionally, verbally and psychologically abusive. With the support of family, friends, a counselor and my parish priest, I found the courage to end the relationship. Then the real work began. I had to heal, I had to take myself and my life back. I had become a person who did not trust her own thoughts, opinions, or choices. I was anxious all the time, constantly waiting to be yelled at, constantly afraid of making the people around me angry. I worried all the time, about everything. It is so sad how quickly one person can take control of your emotions, get inside your head and influence everything you do. It is sad, but it is not my fault (it is never the fault of the victim). My Ex saw in me someone who was sweet, kind, compassionate and loving and he took advantage of that. He played my emotions and kindness against me, he used my sweetness as a way to control and isolate me from family and friends.
The aftermath of that relationship left me in shambles, so to speak. I found myself always waiting for my family and friends to be mad at me for little things (like being 5 minutes late to a pampered chef party, Ashley wasn't mad, of course). I also lived in fear of my Ex confronting me. I knew that he was angry and I was terrified that if I saw him out in public and I was alone that he would confront me and scream and yell at me. While he never hit me or pushed me around, he did a lot of towering over me and screaming until I cried. I wouldn't go anywhere by myself. I was a mess after rescuing myself from this situation. Thank goodness for my counselor.
I started seeing a counselor the day before I left him. My daddy, being a police officer, helped me find a counselor that I would be comfortable talking to. My daddy and mama went with me when I ended the relationship and my daddy being the wonderful man he is, held my hand the whole time (he didn't even mind that was cutting off the circulation to his hand, I was squeezing so hard). I have continued counseling and have learned a lot. I am in a much better place now than I was in March and it is because of my awesome counselor and her willingness to help me work through everything that happened to me.
My best friend, Ashley, has been an absolute angel through this entire ordeal. She has listened to me, comforted me, prayed with and for me, and reminded me each day (sometimes multiple times a day) that I deserve kindness, love, compassion and sweetness. She is a tremendous blessing and I thank God that she is in my life. My parents, my brother and sister (my sister drove an hour home the night I left him, and let me go back to her school with her for a week so I could get some space and not be alone the first few days after) took care of me and helped me be positive, my cousin Aly (called every day the first month I was out of the relationship to remind me that I am loved and beautiful and not to let him take that from me), my cousins Shelbi and Alicia (who would come and get me randomly for sushi or Italian when they thought I was spending too much time alone), and countless others prayed, helped me trust myself again, told me they loved me, hugged me, and cried with and for me. Most of all, these people (and so many others) rejoiced with me as I found myself and my joy again.
I decided to start this blog so that I would be able to chronicle my first year of teaching, but more importantly, I am using this as a tool to help me see how much I have changed my life. My life now, is so much different than it was a year ago at this time, and I cannot tell you how good a of thing that is. I still struggle, I have lots of anxiety and I have days that are rough, overall, I am a happier, more peaceful person than I was last year at this time. So many things have changed and I am so thankful for all of it. I am happier than I ever was with my Ex. Do I want a relationship? Of course, but I want the right relationship, I want the man that will treat me the way I deserve to be treated and will take care of me with as much love and sweetness as I will take care of him with. With that said, the relationship thing is in God's hands. He will take care of it.
As I was walking through this trial, there was a verse that quieted my heart and mind and helped me to focus on brighter days ahead. Isaiah 41:10 says, "Do not fear, I am with you; do not be anxious, I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my victorious right hand."
The most important thing that I have learned through this is to treat myself gently. My Ex was mean and negative, always pointing out what was "wrong" with me. I have learned that real love is not like that. Jesus is real love. He is gentle, sweet, caring and kind. I treat myself gently now. It takes work, and a lot concentration to turn negative thoughts, worries and fears into positives and I am still learning to make it a habit, but I remind myself daily to be gentle in all things, to all people. Speak gently, Love immensely, Live vibrantly . This is my motto now.
Change brings fear of the unknown, surprises, and challenges. I am thankful for change. So thankful. May Jesus bless you as richly as He has me.
With the Joy of Jesus' Love,
Teresa
