Learning to Walk by Faith: Perfection, Teaching, Anxieties and Pictures!

It has been quite the week; I have been in training most of the time and my head is just spinning! It took a lot of determination, hard work, balancing on chairs and the help of some family and friends but my classroom is ready! I am very proud of it and I think my students will really like it! I love all things Snoopy, so I have some Snoopy and Peanuts Gang things in my classroom. Now, that everything is put together and decorated I finally feel really excited for school to start. I am still plenty nervous and feel a little unprepared at times, but I am trusting in the Lord and know that He will see me through the nerves. Today, I had to go in after training and finish a few things up. I got an email saying that due to fire code, all appliances must be plugged directly into the wall (meaning, no use of power strips). Well, that meant I needed to find a new place to plug in my microwave and mini fridge. For some reason, this made my anxiety level shoot through the roof. Thankfully, my mama called to see if I was done with work yet. I asked her to come and look the room over and she did. With her help, I got the mini fridge and the microwave happily place in their new spot and finished up the last few things. Ready or not, the students’ first day is the 21^st.

Today, I was at school until past 5pm. It was a long, overwhelming, anxiety filled day, but I think I will let all of it sink in over the weekend and see how I feel on Monday. I am struggling a lot right now with the feeling that I need to be perfect. I am very nervous about making mistakes in my new job. I know that this is silly, almost backwards thinking. Of course I am not going to be perfect, I will make mistakes (most likely) many of them. Still, the thought of it makes my anxiety go through the roof. I just want to do the best job I can. You are probably thinking, “Good heavens, girl! You are trained to do this! Just relax and do what you know how to do!” On one hand, you are correct; I am trained for this. On the other, having my own classroom is entirely different than any of my student teaching or subbing experience. These kids are my kids, I am responsible for their learning, and their assessment scores reflect my teaching. This is an absolutely terrifying, nerve wracking, sobering realization.

To be honest, student teaching (while wonderful training) is a pretty scripted experience. What I mean is, there are built in buffers, perimeters, if you will, that really make it impossible for a new teacher to experience the real pressures of teaching. Teaching is so much more than getting up in front of kids and telling them things. I spend so much time assessing, gauging, reassessing, re-teaching, reviewing, and assessing again that it would make your head spin. My job isn’t just 8am to 3pm. Most days, I will be at school by 6:15am and not leave until 4:30 or 5pm. I do not just leave school on Friday and forget about school until Monday when I get to school. I will spend weekends grading, looking at data, entering data, sifting through emails and lesson planning. All of this can be daunting at times. I know it can be done, I have amazing colleagues that do all of it every day. Hopefully, with time and lots of help and support, I can become as successful as they are.

With all of this anxiety, worry, and stress I have to work really hard to quiet my mind and heart to focus on Jesus. This whole week I have kept coming back to two verses from Psalm 94. First, verse 19, “When my anxious thoughts multiply within me, Your consolations delight my soul.” Second, verse 22, “the LORD has been my stronghold, and my God the rock of my refuge.” These two verses have calmed my heart so much this last week and I hope that they will be an encouragement to you and help you in your journey to know Jesus better and be close with Him.

I am excited to share pictures of my week and several of my classroom with you! I have worked really hard on it and I am very proud of it. I still have a few more things to put up and a long way to go before it is my “perfect” classroom, but I am learning that teaching, like my faith, is about the journey, not perfection.