About a year ago I posted an entry about being a light to others. I would like to say that this has become easier for me. It has not. While I am no longer experiencing a constant "dark night of the soul," I still struggle to use my God given light to be an example for others. I reread that entry and with it, reread Crystalina Evert's letter to women. Here are the things that struck me (Crystalina's letter is in italics, my thoughts follow in this font):
**"Why do you always seek man’s approval? You’re always wondering: “Do I look pretty enough? Do I sound smart enough?” With a shadow of insecurity hovering above you, you’re always trying to keep others interested. Meanwhile, you give yourself away while ignoring your gut. Don’t be controlled by the amount of attention and approval you receive, and stop being ashamed of yourself. Your worth can’t come from who you’re with, what you wear, or what others think of you.
Are you scared to admit your own self-worth? Do you keep your true beauty, gifts, and talents so locked away and hidden from the world that you can’t truly see how amazing you are? Are you afraid of shining so bright that the light will scare others away..."
This is something that I still grapple with at times as a woman. Even though I have a fantastic family, great friends who love me as I am, not to mention a man who loves me and reminds me all the time of the love that God has for me. Even with these amazing, God given reminders, I struggle to allow my own light to shine for fear that it will make others uncomfortable. In this new year, I am striving to treat myself gently. Accept compliments as compliments, to allow myself to be a talented singer, writer, and teacher. The people around me see these things and are accepting of them. Why does it matter if the rest of the world is not? It doesn't. This fact is easier said than it is believed and carried out.
I admire Crystalina's bravery, she takes on something that I shy away from even thinking about, the fact that I was created by God to be a beautiful, shining light. An example, a beacon to others.
"You are the light of the world. A city set on a mountain cannot be hidden. Nor do they light a lamp and then put it under a bushel basket; it is set on a lampstand, where it gives light to all in the house. Just so, your light must shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your heavenly Father." (Matthew 5, 14-16 NABRE)
I know that I am guilty of hiding my light, at times I am afraid of the light that God has given me, afraid of the call He has issued to me to spread His love, to be an example of faith and of what He can do. I ask, "Why me?" I tell Him, "Ask someone else, for I am broken, I am afraid," "There are better women than I, Lord," "Wait until I am healed, Jesus, then I will use my light." Over and over, Jesus speaks to my heart, "You are the light of the world. You are the light of the world." (Matthew 5, 14 NABRE)
This is the daily test I am living out. To allow Christ to shine through me. To accept that He isn't going to ask someone else for He has called me. He wants my light, my words, my care, my empathy. He wants me. Brokenness and all. The fact of it is, my friends, none of us are ever healed when we are called. We are complete in Christ alone. He works through our broken pieces and heals us as we help others.
Not being healed, doesn't mean we are not whole. We are whole in Christ. Through the mercy and grace of His love. Not being healed doesn't mean that we do not receive love. Christ continues to love us and miraculously blesses us with people to love us in spite of our broken pieces. I have learned very recently the power of someone who is willing to see my brokenness and love me through it. I could write a book on the power of that kind of love. It takes a true man of Christ to be willing to love that way and I am blessed to have him in my life.
Being called to love, support and minister in spite my brokenness is a daunting task. So often we get wrapped up in our own hurts and trials. When we focus on someone else's pain, we are able to minister in a whole in new way, to offer comfort from the deepest part of our hearts. Even if it is just holding a hand at Mass or curling up in silence by the fire. It is a task that I humbly accept. Over the last weeks, I have put this call into action and I hope and pray that those I was trying to minister to were helped even in a small way. Right now, my call is to love. To do what is asked of me to the best of my ability and to pray. It is an honor and very humbling to use my light to help another. I am not perfect at it, but I am listening to Jesus and letting Him lead.
In her letter, Crystalina goes on to tell us of the help Christ offers each one of us, she reminds us that Jesus can help to erase these fears, if we only reach for him. Her words speak to my scared, broken self in the moments when I most want to hide my light:
**" Do not shy from who you are because you fear abandonment or the negative opinions of others. You take scraps from the world, but I have given you everything you need, deep within you. Everyone’s light is different and some brighter than others. But do not be scared of your own light, for it was put in you so that others who are blinded by their own darkness could see your light.
Why are you scared and sad? Why do you belittle yourself and dim your own light? Your light was made to shine—that is its purpose. Your self-worth is within you and has been given to you for a purpose. Your beauty—God’s beauty—was given for a great reason as well. The darkness has tried to extinguish this beauty within, but it cannot. It will not be put out.
At times, you allow your insecurities to overpower you, and your thoughts run wild. But with Jesus’ love you can control any vice, wickedness, or evil weapon that comes against you. It’s time to rise up, unafraid of who you are. Embrace it. Do not lower yourself or hide, because the power of my love and grace will always be there to catch you and show you the way. I will catch you, but will you let me?"
This is the challenge! To continue to know and believe that the thoughts and insecurities that threaten to overtake and consume me are not from my Jesus! My light is from Jesus and it is what I must use to lead others. The beauty that God has instilled into my very soul cannot be taken or destroyed. It is through Jesus that I can conquer the doubts. It is with Jesus that I can shine my light because if I stumble He will catch and comfort me. Again and again He has proven this. Now, I must finally challenge myself to accept this truth and shine my light in His name as an example of His love to the world.
There are times when the darkness still finds its way in and hovers over my soul; it is still terrifying. I find that when it creeps in, I cling to the word of God, and to the comfort of the Holy Mother. I pray the rosary unceasingly in my head and repeat Isaiah 41:10, " Do not fear: I am with you; do not be anxious: I am your God..." until the words swim before my eyes and my racing heart slows. I have found that these words from Crystalina's letter bring a peace that I long to keep. It is with these words, I will close this post and I hope that they will resonate with you as they have with me.
Keep your light shining, friends. In spite of the doubt and the fear, use the light God gave you. Minister to others, offer love, hope and grace to everyone you meet. Use your light to love those around you to the best of your ability. As Mother Teresa said, "Love until it hurts." Through your fear, in the middle of the darkness, hold on to your faith in Jesus. He is there. Even when one cannot feel Him.
**"Deep down you know who you are and what you are supposed to do. Stop lowering yourself to the world and start rising to heaven. Even though it might seem so far away, it truly is all around you. Heaven is watching, praying, and cheering you on. You have a whole army of angels and saints wanting you to succeed in your battle. But the biggest battle of all will be with yourself. Know who you are and what you are not. You are a beloved daughter of Jesus, He who is God."
84,000 Prayers Your Way,
~Teresa
**come from a letter written to women by Crystalina Evert. Found on www.womenmadenew.com
Isn't he handsome?!
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